tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post1445501422962274916..comments2023-11-03T06:27:32.016-07:00Comments on The Baby Chase: The Merry-Go-Roundthe Babychaser:http://www.blogger.com/profile/12205229469287159556noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-82595103565633092892008-09-15T11:08:00.000-07:002008-09-15T11:08:00.000-07:00My apologies as two of the URLs I posted were cut ...My apologies as two of the URLs I posted were cut off.DI_Dadhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11269670525807343134noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-39238244951133150472008-09-15T11:07:00.000-07:002008-09-15T11:07:00.000-07:00If you do consider donor sperm more seriously I en...If you do consider donor sperm more seriously I encourage you and your husband to check out the following groups and sites:<BR/><BR/>http://groups.yahoo.com/group/di_dads/<BR/><BR/>http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/DonorSiblingRegistry/<BR/><BR/>The following is a very new group so not much activity or history:<BR/><BR/>http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Spouses_of_DI_Dads/<BR/><BR/>My own blog from a social dad's perspective:<BR/><BR/>http://di-dad.blogspot.com<BR/><BR/>Good luck - EricDI_Dadhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11269670525807343134noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-6468441948794484242008-09-04T19:14:00.000-07:002008-09-04T19:14:00.000-07:00I am sorry I am late in chiming in (hope you're st...I am sorry I am late in chiming in (hope you're still reading these) . . . okay, first, we thought about donor sperm - actually, we don;t know why the RE didn't suggestit first before doing a full-fledge IVF since we openly said that adoption was our first option since we didn't have a burning desire to biologically reproduce AND my man's sperm was thee big problem. We reasoned that if one was willing to adopt, what the hell was the big deal with donor sperm? We'd have kept it quiet, though. People ARE weird about it. But people are weird about adotion, too.<BR/><BR/>As to your J's strange health symptoms and the family health history issues swirlig in your head -- PLEASE GET A SECOND AND THIRD COMPREHENSIVE WORKUP DONE ON HIM PRONTO!!! The most expensive thing in the world is regret, and waiting any longer will consume you with such worry that I think it will become even more overwhelming for you (and he) to deal with. <BR/><BR/>Christmas . . . DO GET AWAY FOR CHRISTMAS! You do not "owe" anybody else YOUR Chirstmas together. One Chirstmas we lied to my family that we were going to Dr. J's family for Chirstmas. We didn't. We spent it at a luxury resort for 2 days. Another blogger I know is going on an adults only cruise! There is also the option of an adults/beach resort - but the cabin idea sounds divine, also!<BR/><BR/>You have mye mail address if you want to talk some more - I am thinking of you LOTS, Sweetie. I really am.Ms. Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04734867984972785143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-28948730608540272172008-09-03T16:47:00.000-07:002008-09-03T16:47:00.000-07:00PS Someone else mentioned "Helping the Stork". Tha...PS Someone else mentioned "Helping the Stork". That book was my bible durring our donor cycles - I also highly reccomend it.MissNoAngel (find me on Twitter)https://www.blogger.com/profile/06159218057261109997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-57950408651287986862008-09-03T16:46:00.000-07:002008-09-03T16:46:00.000-07:00To tell or not to tell is a really HUGE decision. ...To tell or not to tell is a really HUGE decision. I'm not sure if everyone remembers this, but Hubby and I did two IUI cycles with donor sperm before doing IVF with Hubby's (and getting our miricle babies). <BR/><BR/>We went back and forth for a LONG time on whether to tell or not. At first we were 100% NOT going to tell anyone. And then we decided that I had to tell my best friend because I needed someone to vent to, and then my parents, and then the whole thing just ended up getting cracked wide open. <BR/><BR/>In the end telling would have been the best decision for us because otherwise we would have lived in constant fear of the child "finding out" when they were older. <BR/><BR/>It's such a personal decison though and you have to do what is right for YOUR family. <BR/><BR/>My one piece of advice though is if you do decide not to tell, I highly reccomend not telling ANYONE. <BR/><BR/>GL!MissNoAngel (find me on Twitter)https://www.blogger.com/profile/06159218057261109997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-90756528054381385812008-09-03T15:15:00.000-07:002008-09-03T15:15:00.000-07:00Hey lady, I gots no email for ya. emailforio at g ...Hey lady, I gots no email for ya. emailforio at g mail dot comIohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00918928563224342054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-40177851517336222022008-09-02T18:49:00.000-07:002008-09-02T18:49:00.000-07:00Another book rec for you is "Building your family ...Another book rec for you is "Building your family with donor insemination" by Ken Daniels. I think the titles right but I may be a little off. Lots of stories in it from real people.Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11342071625881436631noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-39999598342713484982008-09-02T13:48:00.000-07:002008-09-02T13:48:00.000-07:00My thoughts are with you, bchaser, as you face wha...My thoughts are with you, bchaser, as you face what will hopefully turn out to be a strange but non-health-threatening decline. REs are always weighing all sorts of theories, and male IF seems to have been just as poorly studied as female issues. I'm sending lots of hugs to the two of you as you move through this.<BR/><BR/>I think you're right to make it J's decision. You don't have to know right this instant how you'd want to handle a pg with ds (maybe J has some idea what he'd like to do in that situation). You may never have all the answers if you pursue that option.<BR/><BR/>Just know that no matter what, you'll make a good call. You've been through a lot and there are plenty of us out here who will understand, however you decide to play things.Shinejilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03353174053245279899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-13657314718004439102008-09-02T11:33:00.000-07:002008-09-02T11:33:00.000-07:00Wow. SO Much to think about. And I imagine there's...Wow. SO Much to think about. And I imagine there's a way to work through J's feelings on donor sperm just as there would be for adoption. It's kinda crazy to say that it "can't" work like your (cousin?) did.<BR/><BR/>Good luck with all this.Barbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16067045642285877560noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-2987066241137972922008-09-02T10:43:00.000-07:002008-09-02T10:43:00.000-07:00Wow. So much to think/talk about. I do think it'...Wow. So much to think/talk about. I do think it's weird how the universe seems to deliver information in what appear to be drips and drops, but then laughs at us while we freak out as those drips and drops become tidal waves. I think you've just been hit by a tidal wave. <BR/><BR/>Not to be all metaphysical and whatever, but the current seems to be leading you toward the difficult decision of whether or not sperm donation is right for you as a couple ('cos even though this is ultimately J's choice, you obviously have to be comfortable with it as a choice, too.). Slam. The current wants you to face this issue. And I think that you have it right, with the spinning thoughts and plucking things out of the air, etc. Pluck what you can, and, for now, just ride the current. <BR/><BR/>My BFF (apparently, like yours) can be a bit of an insensitive twat sometimes (sorry if that isn't what you meant to convey when you shared her thoughts, but it just seemed to me as though there might have been a bit of her talking out her ass, though you are right that she does, at least, reveal what many, many people will possibly be thinking). However, my friend, while I was spiralling off on thoughts of what would happen if I was faced with a career choice that required a move after finishing law school, and she said (yeah, a little bitchy, but true), "You haven't even taken the LSAT yet. Quit worrying about possibilities that are thirty steps beyond where you're at right now." <BR/><BR/>Now, I think you and I are quite alike, in that I just need to be prepared, I need those thoughts to swirl around me, I need to process them bit by bit, all the while feeling the excitement of the eddying options, etc. BUT. While in your case, it is crucial to begin thinking about options before they present themselves as necessities ('cos they are such big decisions), I would recommend trying, when the swirl gets to be a little too much, to take the tiniest of doses of my friend's bitchy advice, to remember that you aren't there yet, and that other options may distract you in the mean time and take you down a totally different road. But please only consider that if you begin to feel overwhelmed. Otherwise, the pondering IS kind of fun, kind of important, kind of necessary, and a good preparation if the decision does come to that. <BR/><BR/><BR/>As far as your husband's possible illness, that is incredibly scary, and my heart goes out to the two of you (why is it than men can look at the same facts we have, shrug, and go on with life, while we look at them and think, "oh, god, he's gonna die and we're never gonna make it without him," etc."???). I wish you peace of mind, clarity, as you approach this issue further with doctors and tests, etc. <BR/><BR/>I will email you soon about possible visit dates/times. I got kicked by the universe the other day with two separate reality-ish programs on two separate topics (real estate, and dating- or maybe something besides dating- the second program was boring as hell and I turned it off quickly, BUT) that dealt with couples living in your EXACT town... so, I felt like the universe was poking me, reminding me to email you about possibilities. <BR/><BR/>Oh, and I am about 40 pages from finishing the His Dark Materials trilogy, and I need to blog about it and when I do, I need to have your insights!katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08056463808792013011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-87137171167190317742008-09-02T04:00:00.000-07:002008-09-02T04:00:00.000-07:00I'm so glad that you posted, babychaser. I've bee...I'm so glad that you posted, babychaser. I've been thinking about you such a lot over the past few days, and wondering how you were. I hope that J's health issues do not turn out to be serious, and that that will soon turn out to be one less thing for you to worry about. <BR/><BR/>I can relate to so much of what you write here. After two poor responses and a diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve, I was beginning to think seriously about moving to DE. Using a donor is a very difficult decision to have to contemplate, and inevitably requires a period of grief and readjustment. If you do decide to go down this path, then both you and J will need time to come to terms with the fact that your child will not be genetically related to both of you. What is important is that you will have created that child together, and you will BOTH be its parents - regardless of any biological connection. <BR/><BR/>Using a donor is also a very personal decision. Although friends and family may wish to weigh in with their opinions, frankly, it is none of anybody else's business how your child was conceived - whether it be through DI, IVF or good old-fashioned sex! But, from the reading I've done on this issue, the general consensus seems to be that it is best to tell the child from the word go - that way, when they do find out, they do not feel that they have in any way been deceived about their origins. When I was looking into this issue, I found the Donor Conception Network an excellent resource (http://www.donor-conception-network.org). It's a UK based site, and has a lot of really helpful advice on how to broach the topic, even with very young children. <BR/><BR/>Lastly (since I appear to be on an assvice roll), I think you should stick to your guns about Christmas. If you and J want to spend the holidays on your own, rather than making polite conversation with his mother, then that is what you should do, and you should not be made to feel guilty about doing so. Christmas is hard enough for those of us dealing with infertility, without these additional pressures!<BR/><BR/>Wherever you decide to go from here, you are very much in my thoughts.Ms Heathenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06404067891155971103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-64638457489226578572008-09-01T22:33:00.000-07:002008-09-01T22:33:00.000-07:00I can relate to so much of this. Many of the same ...I can relate to so much of this. Many of the same thoughts you're having about donor sperm spun through my head when we were considering donor eggs. My family has serious mental health issues that are clearly genetic, and the relief I felt at knowing that an egg donor could keep my child from having those same issues was overwhelming. And the guilt -- oy, the guilt. We were going to be open about the process, and I knew that it would be really hard and that people wouldn't know how to deal with it. <BR/><BR/>I really don't think that people can truly understand what it's like to face donor gametes until you're actually there with your back against the wall. I'm sorry you've reached that place, and hope that somewhere in this whole messy process, you and J reach a decision that gives you both peace.<BR/><BR/>As for Christmas, honey, don't get me started. I am SO ready to have my own traditions and have them involve our child/ren, but since we're the childless couple in both of our families, that holiday always involves traveling to someone else's house and dealing with other people's traditions, and yes people freak when we don't show up at one family location or the other. At some point, you really want to feel like a grownup person with your own life and Christmas is all about kids and dammit all why don't we have our own kids yet ... etc. <BR/><BR/>Hats off to you for taking a break this year. Wish I could talk the Mister into doing the same!!!Rebeccahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03110795754864023339noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-2145780288342360672008-09-01T19:02:00.000-07:002008-09-01T19:02:00.000-07:00So much to be dealing with....I just wanted to let...So much to be dealing with....<BR/><BR/>I just wanted to let you know that I understand. We are about 1 step away from having to use donor egg and I struggle greatly with the loss of my genetic connection, but, I KNOW I will get over it. You have to make the decision that works best for you, the "you" that is the collective of you and your husband.Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11473046279048522079noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-79901607135561240202008-09-01T17:53:00.000-07:002008-09-01T17:53:00.000-07:00Oh sweetie! There is so much in this post that I c...Oh sweetie! There is so much in this post that I can relate to and have journeyed through myself, so first let me say that I am here for you anytime if you need to talk. You can email me (annarchyinjapan at yahoo dot com) or you can phone me (you can email me for my number!) The book "Helping the Stork" is a pretty good one - I found it before I found the blogs, and it was really reassuring to hear parts of my own story being told, and also to find such an in-depth look at all the issued around DI. <BR/><BR/>I want to reassure you that these are not questions that can get answered overnight, nor do I think they are questions that you need to have completely resolved once and for all before moving forward. For example, I still sometimes worry about what I will say when people tell me my baby looks like Manny, or how some people will react if they find out. But in terms of what it means between me and Manny - I do feel like that part is pretty much sorted. I know that I will have some grief come up and some anger at different times - like when I get pregnant (I'm trying to think positive - can you tell?) or when I have the baby, or when people make remarks about who the baby looks like or takes after, or when I have to deal with my child's emotions about his or her origins. I guess one of the ways I've reconciled some of that, or at least let it go for now, is to accept that everyone has issues that they face in becoming parents. I just happen to know what some of mine will be, and the same goes for my children - I happen to know what some of their identity issues will be. <BR/><BR/>It is so very very hard considering this path because it can be a secret, and that is especially painful when we are not secretive people. I've told most of my close friends that this is the path we're considering, and frankly, I wish I hadn't told so many people. Not because they reacted badly, really, although I wouldn't say everyone has been perfect, but because I do think that this is my children's story to tell. I plan to tell my children from the very beginning, but it's a very personal choice. (I was told about the birds and the bees when I was 2 and my sister was born, so I guess that explains some of my ease with the idea of telling early.) I do think there are ways to talk about this stuff that are developmentally appropriate and follow the child's cues and the child's need for answers, and there are resources out there to help us do this. <BR/><BR/>Long story short - I totally get it. And I am here for you. In fact, it would be an honour if I can help you negotiate any of this part of your journey - whether you choose to pursue DI or not. <BR/><BR/>Hang in there, sweetpea. You're not alone.annacyclopediahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10461037288546901657noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-7556617677936319222008-09-01T16:32:00.000-07:002008-09-01T16:32:00.000-07:00I just want to share my story..since there are a f...I just want to share my story..since there are a few common pieces that you talk about.<BR/><BR/>First, we are adopting and one of the most painful remarks I got was from a best friend of 23 years. That hurt! We had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and decided to adopt. Next we have a 9 year old son that has dyspraxia and as far as I know there are no family histories of this to carry it on. So my point is, you can have a biological child, be healthy and still have a child with special needs so for the sperm donor part (as I view our adoption) has no greater risk of health issues as a biological child. Sorry to ramble, just can relate to what you talk about. There was a show on Oprah about sperm donors and how the parents told their children. Might be interesting to watch, not that she provides a great resource but you can hear other families.And I agree about privacy, if we adopt we will not tell everyone the whole history behind the adoption, that is private, for the child to decide if they will share or not.Mom 2 my boyshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14664371838172389255noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-28254749087415392902008-09-01T15:47:00.000-07:002008-09-01T15:47:00.000-07:00Oh my dear friend. So much of what you wrote is wh...Oh my dear friend. So much of what you wrote is what I think. Hopefully we'll be able to do IVF someday, but we're probably a one shot deal. If it doesn't work, I think we want to move to donor sperm, but oh the issues that I worry about coming with it. <BR/><BR/>And then I also worry about the fact that Al's CBAVD might be passed down to a son. It's genetic - his brother has it. Ug.Iohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00918928563224342054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-21370478935288270282008-09-01T12:11:00.000-07:002008-09-01T12:11:00.000-07:00Wow-that is a heavy post, sweetie. You've got a l...Wow-that is a heavy post, sweetie. You've got a lot going on right now. I don't have much solid advice (only assvice) but I do want you to know you're in my thoughts. I wish you peace and clarity as you work through these issues and come to the other side.<BR/><BR/>I don't think there is a thing wrong with using donor sperm, but I realize that puts me in a minority of people not touched by IF. I am of the mind that people can and should do whatever works for them, regardless of what others think or feel about it.<BR/><BR/>As far as who to tell and how to tell-that's completely your decision. I firmly believe you will be able to figure that one out as you go. You'll know what is right; you will feel it in your gut. (I have had a student in the past who was conceived with donor sperm. She wrote about it quite openly and honestly. I thought it was pretty awesome, actually.)<BR/><BR/>I am proud of you for running away for Christmas. I know telling people about it will be yucky, but I think it sounds delightful. And I am sure you won't regret it!<BR/><BR/>I'll be thinking about you and, as always, wishing you well on your journey.Alyssahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06996076537007147834noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-8265057279163878112008-09-01T10:57:00.000-07:002008-09-01T10:57:00.000-07:00Wow. That's a lot to handle all at once; I don't ...Wow. That's a lot to handle all at once; I don't know how you stand up to it all with such grace. <BR/><BR/>First, my thoughts are with you and J as you try to find out if he really has a health issue. Sending all my hope that there's nothing wrong, or at least nothing seriously wrong. I hope you can take that fear off the table ASAP.<BR/><BR/>I don't have any answers to your questions about donor sperm and such, but I hope you can find some good resources on the issue. I would have the exact same concerns. At the end of the day, what works for you and J is all that matters.<BR/><BR/>Finally, fried cheese sounds really good. Does that actually exist? I need to get out more.Newthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16517611200405647990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-72607548533470026592008-09-01T09:55:00.000-07:002008-09-01T09:55:00.000-07:00Although not in exactly the same position as you I...Although not in exactly the same position as you I did want to put in my 2 cents about adoption. We suffered a miscarriage at 10 1/2 weeks this past Feb and while we recover emotionally and physically we are pursuing adoption from Ethiopia. We're almost on the waiting list. As soon as we get further along in the process we'll start trying again. I believe you can have both...Meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06369471696720701742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2701294853944479424.post-6932981439288390802008-09-01T09:37:00.000-07:002008-09-01T09:37:00.000-07:00As a lesbian, i don't know the specific dynamics o...As a lesbian, i don't know the specific dynamics of using donor sperm in a heterosexual context but i blieve there is a book called Helping the stork that talks about that specific topic<BR/><BR/>Unsung lullabies has been a great support for general infeertility issues. Amazing. I reviewed some chapters in my WP blog not the blogger name I have to use here<BR/><BR/>My thoughts are with you both as you navigate these issues.<BR/><BR/>www.nycphoenix.wordpress.comSophiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01646895525679344259noreply@blogger.com