I just fucked up. In the stupidest way. And now I’m panicking.
I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. Woke up at 4 AM, freaked out, and took the pill more than 5 hours late.
I’m pretty sure this is a problem. During my first IVF cycle I took one of my pills 45 minutes late. Two days later, I started bleeding—a full-on period. We were at the end of my two weeks anyway, so we ditched the last pill and started me on the stims early. But this is only one week into the pill cycle, and it’s a huge delay. I can’t imagine that this is going to be no biggie.
Goddamnit. This was going to be our perfect cycle. This was it. Last chance at an insured cycle. Last chance at having a baby without taking out the home equity loan and plunking down $22,000 for shared risk. And we have been so unbelievably careful to make ourselves ready for this. No drinking, no smoking, no anything else in almost four months. Major surgery, finally healed. We have been so ready to do this perfect, to take our last shot knowing we did everything we could to make it work.
And now I’ve fucked it up. One stupid mistake, and who the fuck knows what’s going to happen now. I could start bleeding tomorrow. Will I just bleed for a week while I keep taking the pill? Would we start me on stims a week early? Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of the pill cycle? Would I be risking a lackluster reaction to the stims that way? Am I going to have to just stop this cycle and wait another month and a half to re-set my system for another go? If so, what does that mean for my insurance?
It’s not like I don’t have a backup system in place to remind me to take my pill. I set the alarm on my cell phone for just this reason. Saturday night J and I went to a play and he sat there with my phone on vibrate and my pills in his pocket so that I could take my pill at exactly 10:00, while the play was still going. But then we turned the phone off, and I never turned it on again, and after all that emphasis on it on Saturday night I just completely fail to think of it on Sunday night. So fucking stupid of me. (And I’m mad at J too for not paying attention.)
It’s hard not to blame that shitty little pill for this as well. The pill has fucked me up. All week I’ve been a mess. At first it was just cramps, lower back pain. Which sucked, but wasn’t the end of the world. Then I just started getting fatigued and cranky. By the time this weekend came, I was in full-fledged PMS mode, with all the favorite symptoms: edginess, depression, anxiety, irrational surges of anger, bloating, cramps. And of course, the fog that rolls in and wraps around your senses until all you can do is sit on the couch and eat olives and watch Sex and the City. Well, that fog wrapped right around my brain, and I totally forgot my pill.
After I took my pill, I lay there in bed, fuming. I wanted to punch the pillow senseless. I wanted to find a full-size punching bag and go to town on it. Then I realized I wanted that punching bag to be me. So fucking stupid.
Addendum: The nurse at my RE's office doesn't seem to think this is that big of a deal. She wasn't with my RE a year ago when I had this problem with my first cycle, so I'm not sure she's right. But it doesn't sound like this is going to ruin my cycle, although it will now dog me for the entire cycle. (I also sent an e-mail to my RE herself, to see what she thinks, but I haven't heard back yet.)
So I'll wait and see if I start bleeding. In either event, Panic Attack #1 for this cycle has now been documented. Stay tuned for more hysteria.
Sigh. I used to be much saner.