Monday, March 10, 2008

A Major Fuckup

I just fucked up. In the stupidest way. And now I’m panicking.

I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. Woke up at 4 AM, freaked out, and took the pill more than 5 hours late.

I’m pretty sure this is a problem. During my first IVF cycle I took one of my pills 45 minutes late. Two days later, I started bleeding—a full-on period. We were at the end of my two weeks anyway, so we ditched the last pill and started me on the stims early. But this is only one week into the pill cycle, and it’s a huge delay. I can’t imagine that this is going to be no biggie.

Goddamnit. This was going to be our perfect cycle. This was it. Last chance at an insured cycle. Last chance at having a baby without taking out the home equity loan and plunking down $22,000 for shared risk. And we have been so unbelievably careful to make ourselves ready for this. No drinking, no smoking, no anything else in almost four months. Major surgery, finally healed. We have been so ready to do this perfect, to take our last shot knowing we did everything we could to make it work.

And now I’ve fucked it up. One stupid mistake, and who the fuck knows what’s going to happen now. I could start bleeding tomorrow. Will I just bleed for a week while I keep taking the pill? Would we start me on stims a week early? Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of the pill cycle? Would I be risking a lackluster reaction to the stims that way? Am I going to have to just stop this cycle and wait another month and a half to re-set my system for another go? If so, what does that mean for my insurance?

It’s not like I don’t have a backup system in place to remind me to take my pill. I set the alarm on my cell phone for just this reason. Saturday night J and I went to a play and he sat there with my phone on vibrate and my pills in his pocket so that I could take my pill at exactly 10:00, while the play was still going. But then we turned the phone off, and I never turned it on again, and after all that emphasis on it on Saturday night I just completely fail to think of it on Sunday night. So fucking stupid of me. (And I’m mad at J too for not paying attention.)

It’s hard not to blame that shitty little pill for this as well. The pill has fucked me up. All week I’ve been a mess. At first it was just cramps, lower back pain. Which sucked, but wasn’t the end of the world. Then I just started getting fatigued and cranky. By the time this weekend came, I was in full-fledged PMS mode, with all the favorite symptoms: edginess, depression, anxiety, irrational surges of anger, bloating, cramps. And of course, the fog that rolls in and wraps around your senses until all you can do is sit on the couch and eat olives and watch Sex and the City. Well, that fog wrapped right around my brain, and I totally forgot my pill.

After I took my pill, I lay there in bed, fuming. I wanted to punch the pillow senseless. I wanted to find a full-size punching bag and go to town on it. Then I realized I wanted that punching bag to be me. So fucking stupid.


Addendum: The nurse at my RE's office doesn't seem to think this is that big of a deal. She wasn't with my RE a year ago when I had this problem with my first cycle, so I'm not sure she's right. But it doesn't sound like this is going to ruin my cycle, although it will now dog me for the entire cycle. (I also sent an e-mail to my RE herself, to see what she thinks, but I haven't heard back yet.)

So I'll wait and see if I start bleeding. In either event, Panic Attack #1 for this cycle has now been documented. Stay tuned for more hysteria.

Sigh. I used to be much saner.


kate said...

Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. I'm holding out hope that your body will cut you a break on this.

And if not, surely being only a week into this cycle your insurance can call it off and start over again later. I know that the delay will suck, but at least it will be less expensive if, in fact, your tiny error causes your period to start.

But, under any circumstances, DO NOT use yourself as a punching bag. I know how it feels to feel like one tiny thing can snowball, and I know what it feels like to feel like you caused that one tiny thing, but the thing is, you are human, and this is a tiny error, and there is still a very real chance that the worst outcome of this will be a delay, not a "last chance". Even if this one cannot turn out to be the perfect cycle, the next one can.

I would say that if you are still having the moody symptoms that you usually have with the pill, then likely, the pill's hormones are still doing their job. I would call your RE and explain the situation and have them give you a recommendation.

I am sorry, though, that you are having to deal with this. I'll be hoping for you that your body decides to just roll with it. And if not, I'll be hoping that your RE and your insurance company can work it out so that this isn't your last (insured) chance.

Ms Heathen said...

As Kate has already suggested, why not call your RE's office and see what they say?

In the meantime, I know it's easier said than done, but please try not to beat yourself up about this - it was one tiny mistake.

Thinking of you & hoping that you are still able to go ahead with this cycle.

shinejil said...

Oh, Babychaser! God, do I ever feel your pain. Just your description of your symptoms and feelings made me want to reach out and give you a big virtual hug. Curse those pills!

Jen said...

Sane is a relative term, I think. With everything you have to do and remember, I think you are doing pretty well having only freaked out once.

I hope it isn't a big deal! It isn't something I am really familiar with, so no words of wisdom here. I just really really hope it is still all ok.

peesticksandstones said...

Awwww, jeez, it makes me sad to see you beat yourself up like that. I totally know I would be worried out of my mind, too. But I'm glad you called your doctor's office and they're aware of the situation. My gut tells me it's not gonna be a problem -- hoping I'm right!

Also, seriously, the Pill was the hardest drug on me IVF-wise, as strange as that sounds. Totally made me a panic attack queen for 3 weeks. So hang in there... totally thinking of you.

Ms. J said...

Oh wow, this sounds incredibly stressful. If the RE thinks it's okay to keep going PLEASE try to let it go . . . at least for the duration of this cycle! (I know, much easier said than done). Sending you thoughts of serenity :o)

La La said...

Oh, hun. I hope everything works out alright. I can tell you that I never took my pills at the same time and nothing happened (well, a little spotting, but the RE said that was fine). I know that doesn't help much when you have had issues before - but I sure hope everything is alright!! I'll be thinking about you.

beautycourage said...

Hang in there. I'm so sorry it has stressed you out, but I really don't think it will be that big of a deal... hopefully I'm right!

Working Girl said...

I would prefer to be know as your "evil" twin. It is so much cooler than "creepy".

I am glad your PA1IVF3 is over now. During my first two ivf's, I did everything by the book. I even had a special binder to document all my dosages,times and side effects. Now, I can barely find a scrape of paper to take the notes when the nurse calls!!! I never count the minutes to pill time anymore.

I hope you don't have any more panic attacks but, since we are cyber-twins I know that won't be the case!!!

Io said...

(I thought I had commented on this, but apparently not. oops) Hopefully a few hours won't make a big deal.
Hang in there.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Even if the pill delay is not an issue (and I really hope it isn't), there's nothing worse than feeling responsible and beating yourself up -- better than anyone else I might add. F*CK why does it have to be so damned hard? How many ridiculously complicated protocols do are we expected to keep track of? It's no wonder we go a little mental when people dismiss infertility.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm so sorry that happened, and sorrier that you're feeling so bad about it. I would be doing exactly the same thing if it'd been me, but try to be gentle with yourself. It's not going to make it any better to use yourself as a punching bag. I'll be thinking of you and sending lots of anti-period energy your way. In fact right now I'm visualizing the lining of your uterus clinging firmly to its home and defying gravity, hormones, and anything else that might come its way - hurricanes, earthquakes, etc.

Tara said...

I agree that the pill does put you in that stupid fog that makes you feel not quite right.

I also feel your pain. I forgot a pill during this cycle as well. I even had nightmares about it. I know what a dreaded feeling it gives you in the pit of your stomach.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You're only human and it sounds like you should be ok anyways? I hope.

Shauna Wagner said...

I am going to take a risk and give you a personal example (I usually don't do this because I usually hate it when people do this to me but I think it may help, so I will). I did the same thing on my IVF cycle, I forgot a pill, freaked out and when I called the office the next morning (the minute they opened) they told me "no big deal, just start back at the usual time." I did and I was OK for my egg retrieval. So, I'm just telling you this because I can hear the fear in your post...I hope it helps and I hope everything goes OK for you also.

kate said...

Whew. I'm relieved that the nurse thinks it's okay. And I hope that Panic Attack #1 is the only panic attack you have to endure this cycle. And you have to update once your RE gets back with you. I'm *sure* it'll be fine, but it will be nice to hear that from the RE as well.