Monday, October 19, 2009

Is This That Thing Called "Happy"?

I’m going to say this right from the start—pregnant blogging makes me feel strange. It’s not just that it’s hard to get a handle on how I’m feeling, when it changes every five minutes. It’s that I don’t want to upset anyone. Believe me, I didn’t give a fuck about upsetting anyone before—I figured life had shat on me one too many times, and I was entitled to bitch about it to my heart’s content. Who was going to begrudge me a rant about the unfairness of life?

But it’s different now. The thing is, pregnancy is kind of hard. I’m actually holding up pretty well—haven’t gotten terribly sick, seem to be on top of my back/hip pain much of the time, am surviving (though not thriving) at work. But even though I know a lot of women are a lot worse off than me, I find it exhausting to constantly feel a bit “off,” to constantly be thinking about where my next snack is going to come from, and to be completely incapable of finding maternity pants that fit right.

And yet this is not what I want to blog about. Because I know there are women out there that would amputate a body part to be in my shoes. Because I know what it feels like to read a blog like that.

On the flip side, it’s almost worse to be blogging about how happy I feel. How excited I am. The last thing I want to do is rub it in for those still in the depths of hell.

But I don’t want to lose the friends I’ve made because I’m afraid to be who--and what--I now am. So here we go:

I am really, really, really happy about these babies. Sure, I’ve had some freakout over the past couple of months, and it occasionally revisits me. At some point it just settled in that the twins are coming whether I’m ready or not, and whether I’m scared or excited makes no difference. So why be scared? Will being scared make me any more prepared for the backbreaking ordeal ... I mean exciting adventure yet to come? Will being scared make me more able to find affordable childcare, or make me heal faster from a c-section? So this week, at least, I’m going with excited. And why not? Being happy is a nice change of scenery for me.

It’s funny that what freaked me out so much at first was this sensation of being swept away by a current of events that I couldn’t control. Because the whole reason J and I have been pining for a child is our feeling that we live our lives in a meaningless rut. Some people have a fabulous childless life, but we don’t. We’re homebodies at heart, and our home has been too damn quiet and empty for too damn long. But when I first learned of the twins, there were times when I’d sit on my couch in my quiet, quiet house and think “what’s so wrong with this?”

But I’ve caught my breath and am ready to sit back and enjoy the ride. After all, I’m on it whether I like it or not.

Two weeks ago I “came out” in my office and to my family. (My sister and MIL already knew, as did my close friends.) One of the nice things about being so open with most people about my IF struggles has been their reaction to my pregnancy. (Of course, many of them don’t know that DS is responsible for our ultimate success.) So coming out to my friends in the office was pretty fun. Also, as unglamorous as having twins will be when I’m the size of a house, or when I’m trying to handle midnight feedings for two, it does make me kind of a celebrity among pregnant people. Everyone is just so damn excited about twins. It’s ridiculous. But I have to admit I’m enjoying the attention. (Not a big shock, if you know me at all.)

Coming out to my mother was a different story, and probablydeserves its own post. Suffice it to say that I’ve done a very nice job of keeping this toxic, bipolar, narcissistic, manipulative woman at the outskirts of my life for the past 5 years or so. And I knew damn well that telling her I was having a baby, let alone twins, was going to tear down my carefully constructed wall and have her crashing back into my world. Which it has. I’m sure I can handle it in the long run, but it was nicer before. (J’s suggestion was to just not tell her I was pregnant—he figured if she ever visited we’d just pass off the little ones as “neighbor kids.”) Anyway, subject for a whole new post.

I’m going to leave you with this, lest you aren’t grossed out enough by my happiness. This picture is going to be a mural on the wall of our already-painted-green nursery:

21 comments:

kate said...

She lives! She lives! I've been checking your blog every so often to make sure that Google Reader isn't dropping your posts or something-- stupid, I know, but I was just hoping to ensure that you and the twins are still doing well.

I love this post. I love reading that you are so happy (even if there are parts that you still struggle with!). It's just been such a long road for you, and after all of it, it's just amazing to read such a happy post from you. Not that I generally believe this, but if there were someone who deserved it, after all the shit, YOU are one who deserves it.

I love the mural for the wall. Perfect, perfect, perfect (yes, in that nausea-inducingly sweet sort of way!!!).

kate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kate said...

^^That's me. Sorry about the duplicate comment... I deleted it.

S said...

As someone still stuck on the other side of the infertility fence (or in "the depths of hell," as you so aptly put it), I am still glad to hear that you are now in a happy place about your pregnancy. While your ability to conceive and your happiness don't give me hope--as we are all individuals--neither do they make my struggles harder to bear.

Don't ask me about my unmarried, unemployed second cousin who recently gave birth, though. LOL

Carrie said...

Please don't let your happiness be bogged down by others. You have probably already lost readers just *because* you are pregnant, and that's okay. We're drawn to people who are going through the same things we are. You have earned your happiness so enjoy it for all it's worth!

-Carrie
http://welayinrepose.livejournal.com

Ally said...

Sweetie, be as happy as your heart can hold-and then some! You deserve every sweet moment of this! We're happy for you, too. :)

Io said...

Okay, who is painting the mural? is it J? Can he come paint my house in murals? I love that. Though perhaps ducks in my dining room might be strange.
I'm so glad everything is going well (on whole) with the pregnancy. You've been where I am - I don't like where I am, but damn girl, I am so happy for you.

Lorraine said...

I often had to stop reading now-pregnant blogs, not because it was too painful but because I just couldn't relate any more. And I already had a kid!

But there are those of us who are also going through the pregnancy after IF treatment, and we all deserve a forum for our feelings, too. Sure, they are feelings that we are hesitant to express, but the fact is they are there nonetheless. So, I'm happy to hear about the bad pants, because dammit it's TRUE that they all suck.

I think that just being honest about everything is why we all read each others' stories. I for one am glad to hear that you are doing better, I can't wait to hear about your mom (have a feeling I'll be able to relate a little bit too well) and am pretty sure that duck mural means you are going to be just fine!

Dagny said...

I'm glad you are happy.

and I'm glad you get why some of us cant' come by much anymore.

all the best. :)

xoxo

one-hit_wonder said...

Don't feel guilty about being happy. I know, easier said than done. I think it's survivor's guilt. xxx

Ms. J said...

I have had/do have, a lot of similar feelings. When we brought Lil Pumpkin home from China, I wasn't sure anyone would still be interested in our lives/struggles, but many wrote that they had learned alot about adoption (esp. international and transracial) and it made them better equipped to deal with those who they knew were adopting, and they wanted to keep learning more.

Then, we became an unwilling Urban Myth back in mid-July, and I was certain that I'd lose some people. And maybe I have. I think I have gained some new ones, though - folks who are interested in what it's like to add a surprise bio-kid after a transracial & international adoption.

What keeps me reading after someone gets pregnant or adopts?! HONESTY. I absolutely HATE when someone's blog turns into all sunshine and roses. Grrrr. 'Cause it's NOT! I wanna hear about how tired you are, how people make rude remarks, how you doubt your abilities ... it's humanizing. And when everyone rushes in to build you back up, we also build ourselves back up, I think.

Ms Heathen said...

I think the whole pregnancy-after-IF blogging question is a very tricky one, which I too struggled with. Ultimately, however, this is your blog and you should feel able to write about what you are experiencing. There will be those who have to step away, but there will be others who carry on reading and who will be able to empathise (and you are so right on the whole pants/trouser thing).

I'm just glad to hear that are well and happy.

Barb said...

"Early pregnancy is gruesome." - Favorite quote from my sis.

Jendeis said...

Here from the Roundup. Just wanted to let you know that I am in love with the mural for the wall. Gorgeous!

Silya said...

I also adore the mural. I'm new to your blog, and really appreciate your honesty about how you're feeling during pregnancy after IF. I've read several of your old posts, and I think that you're going to be a great parent. Congratulations!

Me said...

Most of the blogs I have followed are now pg or parenting. It's all about HOW the blogger writes about it that dictates if I enjoy reading their updates or delete them from my reader. So far you get an A+.

:)

Piccinigirl said...

what a deeply honest, heartfelt post. (I am here via Mel)

I am the mother of IVF twins after 4 yrs of trying. I know exactly how you feel I am also very glad that you are feeling the HAPPINESS...it's good for you to feel the excitement of finally being PG.

love the picture for the mural, it's perfect. :)

Jules said...

(Another here from the round-up)

I have to agree with Ms Heathen.

After being on the IF side of things for so long, the cross over to the other side is so hard. You know & want to support others who are still on the wrong side, but you don't want to upset them by posting & for them to find you've crossed over.

I belong to a forum & although I feel like I'm still one of them, I feel also feel like I don't belong.(Does that make sense?)

Congrats on the twins & welcome to the wonderful world of multiples.

Sarang said...

I'm new to your blog and just wanted to say I loved reading this post.

This is exactly how I imagine pregnancy after infertility would be.

And your hubby's comment about passing off the twins as "neighbor's kids". Holy poop. I snorted out loud.

I just lost my pregnancy when beta did not double after IVF #1. I wondered how it would feel if it had continued...

Thank you for sharing.

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Holy said...

Wow this is very exciting,Aren't kids the best!! They just make you want to take some Valium and hide in a small dark room.
these are all so, so beautiful!! congrats again!Great fun with kids really.

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