Friday, May 21, 2010

The Love Infusion

I know I’ve been out of touch for awhile. Mostly it’s just because I’ve been crazy-busy, what with caring for two helpless little people. But it’s also because I’ve been less needy, and more satisfied, than I have been in years.

Don’t get me wrong. Taking care of two babies, even fairly good-natured babies with a LOT of help from my husband, is hard fucking work. And it can be fairly tedious as well—I’m starting to understand the age-old, and fairly sexist, saying “a woman’s work is never done.” Because I’m never on top of what needs to be done. There’s always laundry to fold and bottles to wash and feeding, diapering, and holding/cuddling/entertaining to be done. And that whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” thing is a total crock. Because the housework really does have to get done, and I can’t sleep on command, and the most I can get—after feeding/diapering/soothing/swaddling both—is maybe an hour of real sleep, which messes me up more than it helps.

But what I want to tell you all—want to shout from the rooftops—is that it’s SO WORTH IT. Yeah, yeah, part of this is the antidepressants talking, and thank god I had the foresight to go on those at the first sign of trouble (a couple of days after I wrote that last post, in fact), rather than try to tough it out. It’s so nice not to be so sad, crying all over my babies every time I tried to feed, always feeling like I’m not doing enough for them. If I had advice to anyone about to have a baby, it’s to seriously consider antidepressants.

But my newfound happiness isn’t coming from my pill bottle. It’s that this really is exactly what I wanted. I love these babies so much. And so does J—watching him with them makes me love him even more than I already did. And all this love and support has poured in from family and friends, sometimes from where I least expected it. All this infusion of love into my life—it’s a heady feeling. And maybe because I went through so much to get here, I feel like I deserve it.

And then, on Mother’s Day (which I still think is a crock of shit holiday), this happened, and my heart stopped beating for a moment:

And the next day this happened:

And my heart nearly exploded.

So yeah, my back is killing me (seriously, it’s bad), and my nipples hurt, and I can only put a baby to the breast four times a day (I pump the rest of the time) and sometimes I feel like feeding G is more of a wrestling match than a joint effort, and I’m living on 5 hours of sleep a night. But all of these things are temporary—hell, they’ll last a lot less time than my journey through infertility. On the other hand, the love I’ve found—the love J and I have created—is permanent. (J often responds that he didn’t “create” these babies, but I disagree. You can “make” cookies even though you use ingredients from the grocery store, can’t you? J chose our donor, which is one half of what makes these little guys who they are.)

My yoga teacher tells us that to have a child is to forever wear your heart on the outside of your body. I’m sure that will be scary someday. But for now it’s glorious.

26 comments:

Sue said...

Glad to hear you're enjoying motherhood so much. I love those smiles - beautiful!

Rebeccah said...

Ooooo! They're so so so scrumptious! Very glad to hear you're finding your groove. I'm 100% behind you on the drugs if they do the trick.

And, y'know, 5 hours of sleep actually sounds awfully good for twins! I sometimes struggle to get that much with just the one baby.

Eva said...

Very, very cute smiles! That is great to hear that it is going so well (in spite of being lots of hard work sometimes, too...)!

kate said...

As someone in the intended audience of "about to have a baby", I'm glad you said something about medication. I don't know that I had thought of medication specifically, but I had definitely thought that I was worried about how I would handle mothering two babies, that I've had more than my share of anxiety and stress during this pregnancy (and insomnia... OMFG, the insomnia... no coincidence that I'm typing this comment at 5:30 a.m. after finally giving up on sleep after trying for the last 2 hrs...). So yeah. Good advice that I will tuck away in my arsenal for post-baby solutions.

And THANK YOU for the suggestion about the wedge pillow thing. My back is better for it (though it also served to prove that the insomnia isn't just a physical thing at this point. Sigh.). But at least I know already that surviving on fits and starts of sleep is possible (though decidedly not ideal...). I am much bolstered by the prospect of a possible 5 hrs of sleep a night!

Your two people are adorable. 100% absolutely cute as can be. How can you not melt at the sight of those gorgeous gummy smiles?? A most excellent Crock Of Shit Holiday gift, I think!

Men... yes, sometimes I think with male factor issues that they act a little wonky about all of it. I jokingly told H the other day at a particularly achy point that he "did this to me", and he replied that he had not, in fact, done this to me. And I basically said that, yeah, a team of highly trained specialists had done the actual doing, but that it was only at his insistence (yeah, sure, and mine, too) that they did so. His money bought this procedure, his insurance covered it, he wanted it as much as I did, so YES. I get to toss a little "blame" his way when I'm waddling through Target, feeling like I cannot take another step without coming apart at the seams!

I am so glad that you feel like it's worth it. That is seriously one of the thoughts that keep me up at night (as irrational as I know it is, the thoughts come anyway). What if they don't like me? What if I can't do it? What if H and I can't figure out how to co-parent? What if I hen-peck him to death trying to get things done and he leaves me because he cannot take anymore of my bossiness? What if I'm left feeling isolated and lonely and so overworked that I don't want to keep doing all of it? What if I went through all of this and I'm actually less happy than I was before? (That's the big one...)

So yeah, it's nice to know from a fresh perspective that it is, in fact, worth it. I'm so happy that you've been so infused with love. It's a wonderful thing to read.

Kate said...

They're lovely!

K77 said...

Lovely! Post, happiness and babies that is.

Holly said...

Wonderful post(wiping tears at the smiles)...you are right, it is SOOOO worth it!

So happy to hear you are doing well!

ValarieEdmon靜宜 said...

要持續更新下去喲!!期待~~........................................

Me said...

:)

Good Egg Hatched said...

All that I can say is, amen.

韋于倫成 said...

期待你的下次更新喔^____^........................................

桂竹桂竹 said...

逛到您的部落格讓我忍不住停下來!期待您的新文章!! ..................................................

致遠致遠 said...

在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」...........................................................................

walsha said...

The shortest answer is doing. ............................................................

萱祥 said...

Conversation makes one what he is. ....................................................

Ms Heathen said...

So, so happy to read this post. And congratulations again - they're both absolutely gorgeous!

SadeRa盈君iford0412 said...

Where did you purchase this product?.................................................................

林奕廷 said...

要照顧身體歐~保重

茹順茹順 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼.................................................................

佩春 said...

成熟,就是有能力適應生活中的模糊。.................................................................

于庭 said...

人不能像動物一樣活著,而應該追求知識和美德............................................................

王名仁 said...

當一個人內心能容納兩樣相互衝突的東西,這個人便開始變得有價值了。............................................................

文郭ss華賴ss添卉顏俊s任 said...

初次造訪,安安^^..................................................................

Annette Pachl Haldiman said...

I have been a mom for nearly 30 years and never tire of reading of the pure love and joy it brings to mothers. i loved reading your blog and your outlook on how the lack of sleep, unending tasks, etc are so worth it...because you are so right. they are, and even after they are grown (i have 3) they still bring that same thrill and joy and love to my life every single day. bless you and your beautiful beautiful family. annette

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