Tuesday, September 23, 2008

My Sad Sad Day

I had such a bad day yesterday. Last week, one of my cases just completely exploded on me. This doesn’t happen often in appellate work, but when it does it can be a nightmare. Turns out that my perfectly good appeal with a brilliant (if I do say so myself) argument had to be settled in a matter of days for political reasons. So I had to spend several days scrambling to settle a case I hadn’t even wanted to settle in the first place. And not only am I bitter about the outcome, I’m disappointed; I was really looking forward to writing that brief.

And on top of that, the one thing I’ve been looking forward to the most, my friend N’s return from maternity leave, has just sucked. I missed her desperately while she was gone, and have been counting down the days until she gets back. So yesterday I spent the morning setting up a 10:00 meeting on my exploding case, then at 9:40 went over to see N, figuring that would give me 20 minutes before my meeting. She was just getting in (first day back is tricky) and her supervisor had just gotten to her office at the same time. So I spent 20 minutes standing there like an idiot while she and her boss talked about their new babies. She kept talking about how hard it is and how paranoid she’s become, and how grateful she is that her husband gets to stay home with the baby for another year, because she couldn’t imagine leaving him with strangers. (I thought bitterly about how, due to the leave I keep burning with IVF, my baby will be in the hands of day-care at 3 months old). Her boss kept talking about how much easier it will be when N has her second baby. (I took deep breaths and tried not to think about how I'm not going to get to even have a second baby.) We looked at baby pictures. They discussed the merits of the exersaucer. I had NOTHING to add to this. It was just awful. And then N starting telling her boss about how hard it is to be alone with the baby all day, and how if she didn’t have backup walking through the door at 6 pm every night there’s just no way she could have handled it. So now I’m standing there like an idiot trying not to cry, because even if I do manage to have ONE child, I know that J will often be gone in the evening (or be completely out of town) for weeks at a time and I will have no backup, and I'm completely freaked out about this.

Finally, I tell her I have to go to a meeting and I’ll come back later. Her boss is still there. I’ve said less than two sentences the whole time. Then I go to my meeting, which actually makes me feel a little bit better because at least it isn’t about BABIES, it's about being a lawyer, which I'm at least good at. So I go back to her office after the meeting to try again. And C is camped out in there. That's right, newly pregnant "I'm having my tubes tied" C of my previous post. They insist that I come in and I panic and can't think of an exit strategy so I go in an sit down. I bailed out a couple of minutes later, but not before C starting gossiping about what a bitch another friend of mine is for bringing her baby in to the office, because he has pinkeye, and how C is pregnant and has a 2-year-old so she has to be really careful. And all I can think of is that C works part-time and has a nanny, while the friend that’s she’s bitching about has two kids and works insane hours to stay afloat. And I really like this other friend, and I'm really anti-C at the moment, so obviously I’m on my other friend’s side.

I have yet to have a moment alone with N since she got back, and the two times I’ve been in her office I’ve just been this wooden dummy. You know the feeling, where your facial muscles freeze and you can't really manage an expression and you're sure you look like you've had a lobotomy? That was me. And mind you, none of this is N’s fault. She was the best pregnant friend an infertile girl could have, and we've had great phone conversations since she's been gone. But I felt so disappointed and deflated nonetheless.

So yet again, yesterday afternoon, I found myself sitting in my office trying not to cry. Part of it is that I'm so hormonal. And part of it is that we just learned that they're going to try a new hormone therapy on J, which is somewhat promising, but means we're not going to do another cycle until JANUARY at the earliest. (Sorry, that’s a story for another post.) So I’m nowhere near having an actual child to ease my pain. And then there's all that frustration that no one suggested we try this treatment for Jason a YEAR ago! (Again, something I’m trying not to get into right now.) But mostly it's knowing I have to wait while everyone else gets to be in this special club and have this amazing life experience and I'm stuck on the fringes with nothing to say and I feel totally left out.

And of course my rampant PMS isn’t helping. And J left yesterday morning for Alabama and he won’t be back until Sunday. And then I had to spend the entire afternoon getting patronized by smug opposing counsel in a case that we WON, because they knew we had no choice but to settle, and they were holding all the cards.
Blech blech blech! What an awful day.

I keep thinking at some point I’m going to run out of sadness, that there has to be a time where this stops hurting me so badly. But there is no rock bottom, and my pain seems infinitely renewable. How many times can I write that I’m so fucking tired of crying before my heart gets the message?


Newt said...

Uck. That does sound like a terrible day. I'm so sorry that work is such a minefield right now. I hope that N's return makes things better soon (when all those extra people quit stopping by her office!).

I'm so sad to hear the next cycle has to be delayed. I'm thinking of you.

annacyclopedia said...

Damn, that was a bad day! I'm sorry it sucked. And I'm really sorry you have to wait so long before trying again. I know how hard it is to wait.

I don't know if we ever reach the end of this sadness. In a way, it would be kind of horrible if there was an end to it - how can we not be sad when we care so much? Wishing you moments of peace and joy, even through the haze of grief and pain.

Sue said...

That is definitely a sad day - sorry it happened to you. I hope you'll be able to connect with your friend N at a time when others aren't competing for her attention.

Nikki said...

Maybe you can step out for lunch with N, and have a good one on one time with her? I'm sorry you're having a sad day.

Sorry that you're having to wait till January before you can try again. I think the gaps and the waiting periods are the hardest part of IF. I'm the happiest when I am sticking myself with needles and feeling completely uncomfortable physically!

Thinking of you - I hope you have some better days soon

Mrs.X said...

Oh hon, you just can't seem to get a break!

Regarding the friend who just came back from maternity leave, I would stop going to her office and instead try to schedule some time outside of the office like lunch where you can focus the conversation and not be in that terrible place of listening to discussions of things that a) are very painful and b) you can't provide any commentary on.

You just have so much crap going on right now, it's no wonder you are having these feelings. Have you considered a nice mental health day? I know it's hard to schedule something like that that seems so frivolous, but you need a break from the office and C and all of it. It's not going to make January come any sooner, but it can make September a lot nicer.

Just focus on you right now - that is the most important thing. Many, many hugs!

Lisa said...

I honestly can't think of anything better to say than I'm sending you many big, big hugs!!! What an awful day!

Io said...

Oh lady, what a crap day in so many ways.
Sometimes I worry that the barrel of sadness is just going to keep getting deeper and deeper and that right now I'm just slurping off the top.

I agree with everyone else - try and go to lunch or something with N.
Or fly to Indiana and I'll make you dinner and take you karaoking! (Ok, that might not be reasonable, but it would be fun.)

Ms. J said...

This just sucks.

You really HAVE been through the wringer, emotionally, mentally, & physically. I just want you to know that I am acknowledging that (it has always helped me to have others do that when I suspect Life has been far too cruel or rough).

I agree with the others' advice . . . perhaps send this gal an email suggesting lunch, and maybe throw in you're dying to discuss the new season of "Dancin.g w/Stars" or "Gre.ys Ana.tomy" to kind of set the stage for non-baby talk?

Shinejil said...

That just sucks, BChaser. Completely and utterly.

Sadness feels endless; that's one of its innate qualities. And I don't think you can go through loss and heartache and not have sadness to bear.

I just hope some pleasant, good, and comforting things come your way today to balance it out.

Malloryn said...

I'm sorry that you had such an awful day. I can't believe you had to deal with C again on top of everything else. Byotch. I agree with the posters above -- going out to lunch with N outside of the office might be better.

It sucks that your next cycle has been delayed, and that this will throw your plans out of whack. The sadness associated with IF can be overwhelming... and you have had more than your share of it. I hope that writing about your feelings helps a little bit. Take care of yourself, dear.

Barb said...

I understand. People keep saying that it's not over until you decide it's over, but how in the Hell do you decide something like that? sigh.

Dreamer4agift said...

What a bad day, I'm so sorry. I had a dinner with some friends a few mths ago and all they did was talk about their kids being in softball, blah, blah, blah. When asked why I was so quiet I said "I don't give a shit about kids and softball."...they didn't get the point. eck.

At any rate, I'm hopin the new stuff for J is a step in the right direction for you and your heart. My hormones are all over the place as well with the DH out of town til sunday for me to...If you wanna cry with someone, let me know:-)

Hope tomorrow is a better day.

Ms Heathen said...

I'm so sorry, babychaser. It is always so very hard to hear about other people's pregnancies and babies.

I'm thinking of you, and sending you a great big virtual hug from all the way across the Atlantic!

Io said...

Thanks for the comment about seeing my friend. I have a feeling the visit will be great, bu like you I will probably sob on the way home. Luckily, I am making her meatloaf and mashed potatoes so I can stuff my face with creamy potatoes while I sob.
Tracy is passing the gnome on to gaspasser, so if you know her you coudl request it next. Send me your address anyways, mmkay? I might have a little sumpin sumpin.
emailforio at gmail dot com

Joonie said...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. It's hard to be around pregnant people and people with babies when you're going through IF. Specially when they are as insensitive as your coworker. Hopefully you'll grab some one on one time with N soon enough.

kate said...

God, what a shitty day. I'm sorry it's taken forever for me to get back over here to respond (though I had my own version of shitty-make-soup-wash-dishes-wait-on-husband-hand-and-fucking-foot-all-fucking-day-even-though-it's-your-birthday kind of day).

I wish I had some sort of solution for the office scenario, but that just sounds all-out rough. Perhaps you can email N? Or set up a lunch or something for just the two of you to talk?

But yeah. I'm like you, in that I always start to tear up when people begin talking about second babies. It's like somehow, first babies are okay, but second children prove that it's super easy for some people to get pregnant, and how I will (in all probability) never even get to consider having a second child, 'cos I will barely be able to afford (financially and emotionally) having ONE. Suck. Suck, suck, suck.

I'm sorry that your cycle is being pushed back to January, and I'm sorry that they didn't figure this shit out a year ago and get you on the right track then. BUT, I'm glad that they've got a plan of action for J that could possibly make it easier for you to have a baby and resolve some of the potential issues surrounding whether to progress to using DS or not.

Man. I'm just so fucking sorry you had such a rough day last week. I suppose that is the benefit in being late to comment-- that I can hope that in the mean time, things have gone from crap to super-sonic-out-of-this-world-wonderful, right? One can always hope...

Ms. J said...

I am thinking about you a lot these days, and wondering how you are doing.

TABI said...

I am so sorry for the awful day!! That's so much at once and I've been having those kinds of days too where the sadness just seems endless and you just want to curl up and cry. But I know that other days this lifts and hoping better days are ahead of you!! Be good to yourself and I agree with Mrs.X to try to schedule some alone time with your friend outside the office.

Wishing 4 One said...

Man what a day...I know I am late in commenting, but wanted to send you a hug anyway.

This IF is a bitch..never ending sometimes it seems. But it will end, it will for all of us someday. Until that dreaded or blissful day, let us try to be positive (not easy I know) but at least know there are so many of us, like you and we love ya!

Me said...

WOW!!! I don't envy you working around all the fertiles. That totally sux balls. I do have to say though, you have a knack for phrasing things: "You know the feeling, where your facial muscles freeze and you can't really manage an expression and you're sure you look like you've had a lobotomy?" Yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean!