Monday, September 15, 2008

"Wow."

I can’t believe what just happened. I was just subjected to the most offensive two minutes I’ve ever experienced, from someone who pretends (or maybe even thinks) she is my friend.

A little background: My co-worker C and I were kind of close a few years ago. Not super-tight, but I’d been to her house with other girl friends a few times, and she and I talked about personal stuff. In June 2005, I told her that J and I had been trying to get pregnant. Unbeknownst to me at the time, she also had just started TTC. Five months later, she told me that she was three months pregnant. “I thought it NEVER was going to happen!” she confided in me.

Since then, on one or two occasions, when I’ve let me guard down, she and I have had conversations about my infertility. On both occasions I have been stunned by her insensitivity to my plight.

But all that is important is this: C has a 2-year-old kid, even though she started TTC a month after me. She knows this. She knows that I have been doing IVF for at least a year. And I’m almost positive that she knows at least about my first miscarriage, if not more.

Cue the curtains:

My good friend L (not a big fan of C) and I are hanging out in my office, right before lunch. C walks into my office and flops down into one of my chairs.

“Oh my god, I’ve been meaning to talk to you!” She always talks like this, high drama with great big exclamation points. “I am SOOO PREGNANT!”

I glance at her belly, and indeed, she does appear to be pregnant. These things tend to show when you’re a size 2.

“Congratulations,” L and I duly reply, without much enthusiasm. I desperately want to look over at L to see what she thinks of this display, but to catch her eye would have involved too obvious a head turn, so I keep looking at C.

“After this baby, I’m SO getting my TUBES TIED!” she exclaims. “I don’t care if I’m divorced, I’m still getting my TUBES TIED. This is it for me!”

I’m try to keep my mouth from hanging open. I’m pretty sure that, in some societies, whining to your infertile friend that you must seek surgical intervention to halt your rampant fertility is considered somewhat impolite.

She goes on, undaunted by the stunned silence coming from both me and L. “I’ve been SO SICK for the last three months! I mean, my FIRST PREGNANCY was horrible. And this one has been even WORSE!”

Of course, I am not to be spared any detail. “I even had some BLEEDING,” she announces, “I had to go to the EMERGENCY ROOM when I was in New Jersey because I was BLEEDING!”

My heart is pounding, but more from astonishment than true anger. I guess it’s hard to be hurt by something so ridiculously rude.

“And you know,” she adds, “the whole pregnancy thing is so much WORSE when you’re OVER THIRTY-FIVE!” Oh yes, I think sagely, thirty-five is definitely way too old to be trying to have a baby. “I’ve had to go through genetic screening, and these AWFUL TESTS!” Awful tests? Really? Can’t imagine what that must be like.

But she saves the best for last. “But at least with this baby, I’m finally going to have a FAMILY!”

Take a minute to let that gem sink in. I’ll wait.

Now, perhaps it’s arguable that, with just me and J and the cats, I don’t really have a “family.” Not that I would ever say that to anyone else in my situation, but that’s pretty much the way I feel about it. But to suggest that it’s not a real family until you’ve had TWO kids? To someone who if lucky will end up with one? Can anyone out there join me in a rousing what the fuck?!

And then she was gone. She just popped in for a little, two-minute, fertility-flaunting chat, and then she was done, blissfully unaware that she was leaving only shocked silence in her wake.

After a minute, L closed the door to my office softly.

“Wow,” was all I could manage.

“Wow,” she agreed.

30 comments:

Meg said...

That story made me furious. I almost said "how dare she" but clearly it wasn't intentional. Which leads me to my next comment and that is that I think you should confront her. Clearly she has got to be one of the most oblivious people to ever walk the planet. Can you imagine how many people she must hurt throughout the course of just 1 day. If you said something (tactfully of course so as not to spoil your relationship with someone you have to see everyday)
you'd not only feel better, but she'd be more sensitive to you in the future and who knows how many other people would benefit as well...Sorry you had to go through that!!!

Ms. J said...

OMG, how is it possible this b*tch is allowed to walk the green earth?!

Alrighty, we're gonna have to play dirty here . . . and you will need your friend "L" for this . . .

SUGGESTIONS:

1 - you or L must note aloud that gestational diabetes is a big concern in pregnant women her age, and WOW, has she ever put on weight with this baby!

2 - Commence "OPERATION STINKY FOOD" at your desk or near her office at all times. Find out what makes her sick and have it in the office as often as possible.

3 - Wax on endlessly about how uch sleep YOU got last night, how awesome it is to go out to that jazz club, yadda.

4 - Submit her WORK email address to all sorts of po.rn sites.

I am sure some of the others posters will have other suggestions, too.

And I know you know this BUT let me remind you . . . YOU AND J ARE ALREADY A FAMILY. Just as my J and I were one before we adopted Lil' Pumpkin. Having a child does not make one a family.

And I need to say THIS again, too, "WHAT A PHUCKING B*TCH."

You win for Outrage of the Day!

Pepper said...

That woman needs emergency surgical intervention to pull her head out of her ass!

"Wow," indeed.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm so sorry, Babychaser, that you had to deal with that. Especially from someone who is sort of a friend. Unbelievable. Yet horribly believable.

I agree with Meg that she needs a bit of a wakeup call, but I don't know how much good it would do. Of course that is up to you about how you handle it, but I am enthusiastically volunteering to randomly email her all the "top 10 things to never say to an infertile or to anyone" lists I've ever come across, plus a few more of my own devising.

And Ms. J's suggestions are awesome. I especially like #2. It would be especially good if you could manage to fake being nice to her and act all concerned about how sick she's feeling, and then really flaunt your stinky lunches. For maximum ick, I recommend chewing loudly and belching audibly in her general direction.

Io said...

Email me her name and location. I am going to kill this bitch. WTF.

If murder is not allowed, I like Ms J's ideas.

luna said...

wow, WTF is right. that bitch definitely needs a talking to. but I like pepper's suggestion more.

Nikki said...

WOW!!!

Can I come hit this woman for you? I'll bring my biggest heaviest healed shoes for hitting her!

I agree with both Ms J and Pepper's suggestions....

Sorry you had to go through this. Not only are you and J family, you also have the cats, and one way or another, by any means possible, you will be great parents one day.

I pity this woman's husband - I can SO imagine her whining and complaining to him! Makes me furious!

WOW indeed! B*tch!!!

Mrs.X said...

This is a perfect opportunity for me to use my favorite word of all time: I am absolutely GOBSMACKED at the nerve of this girl.

She deserves a full backhand bitch slap, followed by Pepper's surgical intervention.

Wow, indeed.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

So, um, where do you work? Cuz I have some free time tomorrow and would be happy to come and pull her toenails out for you! maybe she'd be sensitive to that kind of pain.

Ally said...

Oh. My. God. I so sincerely wish you were kidding about that conversation but, since we can't manufacture such horrible insensitivity, I know it must be true.

First of all, hugs to you. A hug is definitely in order after being subjected to that.

Secondly, kudos to you for not punching this asshat in the face.

Thirdly, may I come and punch her in the face? I don't work with her and she doesn't know me, so I'm thinking I could get away with it easier.

Jesus.

Sophia said...

Please give me five minutes in a room with this woman.

honestly I would get her ework and her personal emails on every cult list i could find: S*cientology, J*ews for J*esus

Flasshing VMB gang sign in solidarity

Nycphoenix
www.nycphoenix.wordpress.com

Denver Leigh said...

Unfreakin' real ... you must have felt like a deer caught in the headlights! I had something sorta like that happen earlier today, too ... but that just takes the cake, the pie, and the entire freaking dessert table! What an asshole ... damn!

Newt said...

Wow. Wow.

kate said...

Can I kick her ass, please? I'm feeling an inordinate amount of rage lately, and bitch needs to step the fuck off. What. The. Fuck.

I say go the passive aggressive route and carefully drop into conversation how fucking awesome your life is without children, or maybe how you only went to the hospital for the *first* miscarriage, so she must be really weak if she went in for just a little bleeding (or some such similar "I'm a tough infertile chick" line).

Shit. I just want to punch the crap out of her right now. What the fuck???

Ms Heathen said...

Unbelievable!

I'm so sorry that you had to be subjected to this, babychaser. You and J and your cats ARE a family, regardless of what this stupid, insensitive cow thinks.

Shinejil said...

Frenimy. Cut her off. Cold shoulder time.

Or send her my way. Me and Big Sergei will have a little talk with her about etiquette.

Sending you big hugs and my righteous indignation that you have to put up with this crap, after all you've been through.

Malloryn said...

Wow is right. Each subsequent paragraph you wrote was like another glass of cold water to the face. I'm so sorry that you had to hear that, and I admire you for not punching her in the face.

As for what she said about family, I don't even know where to begin. I'm an only child and I kind of always thought of me and my folks as a family. WTF!?!

Some cold shoulder time is definitely in order. You don't need sort-of "friends" like that. Next time she stops by to whine about her pregnancy, even if it's your office, just get up and walk away. I have to admit that I like Ms. J's suggestions too!

still waiting said...

wow... wtf

Joonie said...

WTF, Unbelievable. I've seen my share of insensitive fertiles throughout the years, but this one takes the cake!
Does she not even have any common sense? Stupid question.
I'm infuriated and I didn't even have to experience it first-hand!!

Barb said...

I don't have much more to add to Wow, unless it's aaaaaaaaarggggrrrrhmph.

Jaded Girl said...

i'll join in. forget wtf, try what a bitch! evil. geez. i had a friend that tried to get preg. for 10years. got pregnat finally and told me she did not want to come to my party because she was "so big and pregnant, and did not want me to burst into tears upon seeing her". the bitch.

Lorraine said...

This person really does need to be talked to. If you freeze her out she will make a big deal, sides may be taken, things could get worse. And, really, insensitivity is not limited to infertility - maybe she complains about how much her legs hurt from all that walking when she is with somebody in a wheelchair? Or moans about keeping up with her investment portfolio when she is with someone who is going through hard times financially? Egads!

Heather.PNR said...

It never fails to amaze me how utterly insensitive and self-centered some people can be. Wow.

You guys are absolutely a family. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Lisa said...

"Wow" is about all I can manage, too....I'm so sorry....

K77 said...

What the fucking fuck?? What a total jackass.

"I’m pretty sure that, in some societies, whining to your infertile friend that you must seek surgical intervention to halt your rampant fertility is considered somewhat impolite."

I am loving this sentence I must say.

Dreamer4agift said...

What a bitch.

Michelle said...

I have been angry at insensitive comments before but mostly they come from people who care and really are not trying to hurt you but this by far is one of the worst things I have ever heard before. It makes me want to jump on a plane and come to where you work and bitch slap someone. WTF? She must be the biggest MORON I have ever heard of in my life! I am amazed that you were able to keep your mouth shut! I'm sure you were stunned into silence. All I can keep saying is WTF? WTF? WTF? I'm so sorry you had to endure that and then have to see her at work everyday and not kill her.

Rebeccah said...

Someone needs to slap that girl upside the head. How did you resist the temptation?

Peeveme said...

IDK why but I find this really funny and the comments are also making my laugh.

"fertility-flaunting chat"

"OPERATION STINKY FOOD"

I don't think talking to her will make a dent in her big-fat head. It's all about HER.

I find people like that amusing. Man, what a really-crazy office shower! It'll be like an episode of "the Office". She's self-involved and completely that clueless and deserves to be ridiculed. You can probably ridicule her to her face and she wont even get it.

If you can beat 'em, join 'em. And if you can't join 'em, ridicule them.

Me said...

Ok. The fact that there are 29 previous commenters says loud and clear WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER?!?!