Monday, December 29, 2008

Scared to Death of 2009

I just finished reading my first real blog entry, posted almost a year ago, on January 2, 2008. It made me cry. The theme of the post was how my life was on hold, how sickened I was by the sameness of everything.

I wrote that post in a desperate attempt to reach out into the blogosphere, to find some solace and comfort among others. But in my heart I knew it was just a temporary fix, something to see me through until my luck finally changed. I almost didn’t start blogging at all; despite years of disappointment, I still believed that my childlessness was just a fleeting, transient condition. Why bother seeking out an online community when I could be pregnant (ergo, happy) in a matter of months? Why go to all the trouble of joining a support group when I’d just have to drop out?

At the end of 2006 I celebrated like mad. What a shithole of a year! In 2006, I had suffered my first miscarriage and learned that we were infertile. In 2006 I was stripped of my precious naivete.

I welcomed 2007 wholeheartedly, for 2007 was going to bring us IVF and—with our “excellent” chances of it working—salvation.

At the end of 2007 I celebrated my guts out. What a rat-bastard asshole of a year that was! Two more miscarriages and lessons best not learned, like that your beta can double while you’re having a full-on period, like that an IVF cycle—which totally skips the fallopian tubes—can still result in an ectopic pregnancy. In 2007 I learned I had pregnancy-threatening fibroids. In 2007, I tried to turn to adoption. In 2007, I turned away from adoption and instead opted for major surgery. Oh, and in 2007 my amazing, kick-ass, 12-year-old kitty (my first pet) died.

So I welcomed 2008 with open arms. I just knew that in 2008 my life would change. Maybe IVF wasn’t going to work, but surely by the end of 2008 we would either be pregnant or actively working on adoption. No doubt about it 2008 would bring an end to the endless sameness, the dullness that marked my life, my marriage, my family.

It’s the end of 2008, and I’m not so sure I can celebrate. No doubt about it, I am eager to see the last of this scum-sucking, douchebag, ho-bitch of a year. But can I really welcome 2009 with such blind devotion? For more than four months I’ve been looking forward to this new year. Because with 2009 comes the end of my forced break. 2009 brings us a new IVF cycle with what we hope to be J’s new-and-improved sperm. Or maybe it will bring IVF with donor sperm, a whole new kind of opportunity. And I’ve been swearing to myself, and anyone else who will listen, that by the end of 2009, god-fucking-damnit, I will know where my baby’s coming from. By the end of 2009, my life will finally change.

But now that the new year is upon us, I’m finding myself unwilling to embrace the hope it might bring. I am weary and depressed. I’m tired of welcoming the new year, each with its sexy, slick persona and delicious promises. I’m sick of getting burned.

Last week, when we were taking our mini-break in Virginia, I told J that I can’t even imagine us with a child anymore. I still know that it is what we want, and it is still the direction we’re heading toward. In my brain I still believe that we will end up parents someday. But I’m no longer sure I believe it in my heart. The possibility of actually having a child in our lives just seems so foreign to me. I’ve become alienated from the fruits of my labor (thank you, liberal arts education!). J just nodded. He didn’t even have to say anything; he’s right there with me.

I’m scared to death of 2009. I’m not feeling strong or determined, and I can no longer see the finish line. 2008 sucked, but at least I knew where I stood.

* * * * * * * *

Of course I can’t leave it at that, because at the same time as 2008 has proven to be the darkest year of my life, and in many ways the darkest year for our country, it also has brought me one of the most amazing nights of my life, and with it one of the proudest moments of our nation’s history.

In 2009, we, the United States of Generally-Loud-Obnoxious-Asshole-Ignorant Americans, will swear in the first black president in our country’s history. And I’m gonna be there (on the mall, at least). Me and about 3 million other freezing, cheering, weeping Americans. And how ironic is it that, at a time when I am myself bereft of hope, I will stand with a crowd gathered to honor the man that most embodies that word?

18 comments:

Lisa said...

Ah, so much of this rang true with me. Glenn and I joke wistfully that we no longer go into a new year saying it has to be better than the past because we've been proven wrong time and time again. Each of the past 3 years has sucked and, as much as I'd like to go into the new year blindly, it's just hard to believe it will be any better.

I also understand your statement about no longer being able to imagine being a parent. I realized about a month ago, and started writing a blog post that I haven't been able to finish, that I no longer picture myself with a baby. I no longer picture my mother or Glenn's mother holding our baby. I don't know whether it's me losing hope or me taking steps to prepare myself, but, well, it just really blows.

Hugs to you as this awful year ends and, despite my difficulty believing, I truly hope 2009 brings us what we so very much crave.

annacyclopedia said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm so behind in commenting that I'm not going to be writing much, but know that I am with you on all of this - yearning for hope, and yet afraid of it, too. Hoping you and I both get to look back a year from now and reflect on 2009 as the year where everything changed for the better.

Good Egg Hunting said...

I am right here with you too. Afraid to hope, afraid of what it means not to. Afraid of what the new year will bring if not what we want. So I will hope for you -- that your 2009 is completely and utterly different from any year past.

Ally said...

Oh, how this post resonates with me. I have been going into each new year with the hope, the thought, the feeling, the belief that this will be "our year." The year when we get pregnant, stay pregnant, and get our beautiful, healthy baby. That's not working out so well so far.

I keep hoping the next flip of the calendar will begin to fill with dreams coming true, ambitions realized, and hopes fulfilled. I wish this for both of us, deeply and completely. I'll hold your hand, even if only virtually and wish as hard as I can as 2008 rolls over into 2009, friend.

Jill said...

I don't have any words of wisdom to pass on, but I'm sending lots of hugs!

Sue said...

You've been through so much for years now, who wouldn't be worn out, depressed and afraid of what comes next? I'm really hoping 2009 will be the beginning of better things for our country, and hopefully for you as well.

Barb said...

You could have written this for me as well hon. I felt the same way about my first blogging too.
xoxo

Kim said...

Hope sure is a bitch, isn't it? I am right there with you. Scared to hope, scared not to hope. Hugs to you.

Kim said...

Hope sure is a bitch, isn't it? I am right there with you. Scared to hope, scared not to hope. Hugs to you.

luna said...

hoping you can reclaim 2009 for you. wishing you momentum and peace as you work your way through.

my hope is that some of that hope will seep into you on jan. 20. soak it all in!

Chhandita said...

((hugs)) I just feel the same as you do...last year this time i was sure I would have a baby in 2008...somehow now I KNOW i may never have one...the pain is unbearable right now...

Ms Heathen said...

The more time that goes by, the longer we plod on at this game, the harder it becomes to believe that this year could be the one for us.

I am thinking of you, babychaser, and holding out hope on your behalf. Wishing you peace and strength for this new year.

Jaded Girl said...

what irony, to be celebrating with others in such hopeful a manner when you yourself do not feel the hope. but, babychaser, i beleive that hope is truly part of the human condidtion and therefoere quite inescapable.
on the new year front, i totatlly *hear* you. as 2007 and 2008 have been total shit years for me as well. but still i hope that 2009 may be more gentle on me and my husband, and that 2010 will yeild baby. and i certainly hope that for you as well - gentleness and a baby.
...i hope...
big hugs, you are not alone in your sentiments...

Shinejil said...

Happy b-day, fellow day-after-Xmaser! I know you know of what I speak. I actually thought of you when we were enjoying our night in the cabin, and I hoped that you were out there in the VA wilds, relaxing.

I hate the new year, new hopes bs. It just doesn't work that way, imho, and it can serve to remind us of all that we've had to endure. But still, I wish you happiness, understanding, support, and lots of unexpected joy, wherever it happens to pop up in your life, in 2009.

I will now join you in kicking asshole 2008 to the curb and washing my hands of this suck-all year. :)

Newt said...

I kind of hate New Year too. Killing off another year is nice, but all the resolutions and optimism and shit are a little nauseating. And damn, honey, you've been through the wringer.

Hope you can blow off a little steam somewhere, and burn away all traces of 08. If you're too weary to hope for a better 09, I'll quietly do it for you. That's what blog buddies are for, to outsource the emotional shit.

Pepper said...

I hear you, babe! How I miss the bright-eyed innocence that everything will work out perfectly, without struggle and pain in the meantime.

Hugs to you. May 2009 bring happy, life-changing miracles for us all.

Rebeccah said...

Okay, so I just posted my new year's post and tried to be really optimistic in it (because aren't we supposed to?) but then I read this post of yours and thought "yes, I agree totally." So I guess that for me, hope is an off-on switch that flickers pretty much constantly. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't. I have more hope these days than I used to, because there is a child at the end of the adoption road -- eventually. What really is the centerpiece of my days though, is ANGER and SADNESS. I am so pissed off that I (and all of us) have to go through this. I'm so dreadfully sad that I didn't try to have children 10 years ago when my eggs were still good. I'm so furious at the various forces that conspire to keep me from seeing that mix of the Mister and I in a baby's face. And all of that tends to drown out the hope that is there, persisting, underneath.

As for your being on the mall on The Most Exciting Day American Ever Had -- suffice it to say that I'm green with envy!!!!

Peeveme said...

I hope you have a wonderful time. OH can only imagine how moving it will be. There is always hope.