Friday, June 12, 2009

IVF Cycle #5, Freakout #1

I’m exactly 24 hours into IVF Cycle #5, and already have jumped headfirst into Freakout #1. Not a promising sign for things to come.

My RE wants me to do a long suppression cycle using Lupron. I sent her an e-mail asking if it really was necessary—I’ve gotten by just fine with a short (2-3 week) suppression cycle on the pill before, haven’t I? (Though I guess it depends on your definition of success, given that I’m still not preggers.) She wrote back and told me that we definitely could discuss this, but that she’d given it a lot of thought and decided to try the Lupron because in my last cycle I had one ovary develop faster than the other, so ended up with only 8 eggs.

I hate this idea for so many reasons:

1. What if this screws up my cycle completely? It seems like introducing a new drug when I’ve produced enough eggs without it is a bad idea. What if my body reacts badly? I don’t know how many more cycles I’ve got in me. Even with shared risk, they cost a fucking fortune. And I don’t know if I can take it physically or emotionally any more.

2. What if this screws me up completely? Lupron scares the crap out of me. Frankly, I have enough trouble with the pill for a few weeks. It makes me depressed and weepy and tired all the time. I’ve heard Lupron can make you bat-shit crazy. I have a pretty high-stress job that lately has been getting harder every week . I know what’s involved in the drug regimen I’ve already taken. This is entirely new. I don’t want new. I want the comfort (can I call any IVF cycle comfortable?) routine I know.

3. What if this ends up costing a lot more? I know I’m going to have to pay for the Lupron, but I don’t know how expensive it is. But what if I also end up needing more stims to counteract the suppression of Lupron? Stims are brutally expensive.

4. And finally: Oh my fucking god, do I really have to increase the total length of my cycle by another MONTH? I’ve been steeling myself for this cycle with the mantra that it’s only about 40-45 days, start to finish. But now I’m looking at being on drugs all summer, just for one cycle.

I really don’t want to do this cycle. I wish I could just knock myself out for the next three months. Wake me up when it’s all over—just tell me the results and I’ll go from there. Because this is all just too fucking much.


satto said...

How freaking frustrating! At least she has a reason for it and not just a let's try anything. I hope this time goes by fast. Good luck!

Good Egg Hunting said...

I know how hard it is to rally for a new cycle. I really don't mean to be all Pollyanna, but would it help you to look at it as another something new that could make the outcome different this time? It is so hard to trust our doctors given how much we know, but I really tried this time to not think too much about the instructions I got from the doctor and nurses and just go with helped me so much in terms of how emotionally exhausting it was. It really felt so easy this time right up until my retrieval (which for me is the hard part -- anesthesia anxiety). I'm not saying it's easy or that you're not justified in feeling exhausted and like you don't want to extend your cycle with a new med that could make you miserable, but maybe your doctor is right -- it could really help -- and it's worth a shot??

Sue said...

Maybe trying something different will work for you. The lupron might make you feel crazy, or not. I didn't experience any of the side effects at all, and it's not a really expensive drug. I know a change in routine is scary, but try not to be so afraid of the unknown. Every IVF cycle is an investment in the unknown anyway. I am wishing you the best of luck and courage to make it through this.

Shinejil said...

Argh, that is so frustrating: being asked to do something untried when you have serious treatment fatigue, being asked to be on a mood-altering drug for months. No wonder any shred of enthusiasm you might have mustered has been quashed.

I hope, however, that things are easier than they seem going in. There are women with very mild reactions to Lupron or no symptoms at all. I hope you're one of them!

kate said...

Oh, that would make me crazy. But then again, as you said, you haven't had a successful pregnancy yet, so maybe it's worthwhile to trust your doc on this one. I have been following you long enough that I really, REALLY understand you when you say you don't know how much more you can handle (both emotionally and financially), but I'm hoping that this change that your doctor is making will allow you the best possible outcome.

Oh, and what Sue said, too. I hope the Lupron doesn't screw with you too terribly much, and as we like to say around here, I will be abiding with you over these months during this cycle (and always, of course, but particularly now, while you're stepping off on this path yet again).

Jaded Girl said...

i have hoped that same hope too many times. hmmm...if could really do that i would have been 'out' for over two years - and still not back.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm feeling anxious just reading this - definitely you have good reason for your freakout. I have no answers or useful advice on the drug stuff, but know that I'm thinking of you often, and if I was there to make you tea and bring you treats and hold your hand, I would totally be doing all those things.