I’m exactly 24 hours into IVF Cycle #5, and already have jumped headfirst into Freakout #1. Not a promising sign for things to come.
My RE wants me to do a long suppression cycle using Lupron. I sent her an e-mail asking if it really was necessary—I’ve gotten by just fine with a short (2-3 week) suppression cycle on the pill before, haven’t I? (Though I guess it depends on your definition of success, given that I’m still not preggers.) She wrote back and told me that we definitely could discuss this, but that she’d given it a lot of thought and decided to try the Lupron because in my last cycle I had one ovary develop faster than the other, so ended up with only 8 eggs.
I hate this idea for so many reasons:
1. What if this screws up my cycle completely? It seems like introducing a new drug when I’ve produced enough eggs without it is a bad idea. What if my body reacts badly? I don’t know how many more cycles I’ve got in me. Even with shared risk, they cost a fucking fortune. And I don’t know if I can take it physically or emotionally any more.
2. What if this screws me up completely? Lupron scares the crap out of me. Frankly, I have enough trouble with the pill for a few weeks. It makes me depressed and weepy and tired all the time. I’ve heard Lupron can make you bat-shit crazy. I have a pretty high-stress job that lately has been getting harder every week . I know what’s involved in the drug regimen I’ve already taken. This is entirely new. I don’t want new. I want the comfort (can I call any IVF cycle comfortable?) routine I know.
3. What if this ends up costing a lot more? I know I’m going to have to pay for the Lupron, but I don’t know how expensive it is. But what if I also end up needing more stims to counteract the suppression of Lupron? Stims are brutally expensive.
4. And finally: Oh my fucking god, do I really have to increase the total length of my cycle by another MONTH? I’ve been steeling myself for this cycle with the mantra that it’s only about 40-45 days, start to finish. But now I’m looking at being on drugs all summer, just for one cycle.
I really don’t want to do this cycle. I wish I could just knock myself out for the next three months. Wake me up when it’s all over—just tell me the results and I’ll go from there. Because this is all just too fucking much.