Friday, September 4, 2009

In the End, It’s All About Love

After I wrote my last post, I went back into my bedroom, sat on my bed, and cried for about 20 minutes. And not those pretty Demi Moore tears—I’m talking big heaving sobs, blotchy face, snot-everywhere crying. Then I cleaned myself up, had a snack, brushed my teeth, and went over to kiss J goodnight.

As soon as he saw my face, said “hey!,” stood up, and put his arms around me, I started to cry again. I told him how I felt I was being robbed, robbed of happiness because as a 37-year-old professional, I still couldn’t afford a family in this fucked-up, you’re-really-on-your-own country of ours. Then I dried my tears, kissed him goodnight, and went to bed.

Where I proceeded to start crying and shaking again. At this point a little light went on in my head. Hormones, I told myself. No worries, this too would pass. Eventually I slept.

Since then I’ve felt a lot better. I don’t know—maybe I just needed to have that complete breakdown, to acknowledge both mentally and physically that what is happening to me is totally insane, and that no one should be expected to take it calmly.

I also handed the day care hunt over to J. We have found that there are some “family” day care providers—women who take kids into their home—who are cheaper than regular day care. I had spoken to one, but was so freaked out by her not-so-bright reaction to me that I didn’t think this was an option for us. But J called me on Tuesday (day after my freakout) and said he’d talked to another woman who was amazing—exactly what we’re looking for. Odds are that she won’t have two openings when we need them, but just knowing someone out there like that existed went a long way to make me feel better.

Last night, after I changed out of my work clothes into my sweats and laid down on the bed with J for a pre-dinner chat, he said this: “So I was thinking about all this today. And I realized that, while what we’re about to do is incredibly, unbelievably, impossibly hard,” he paused and I gave him a wry smile, “there is nothing in this world that we will ever love more.”

And I cried again, a little bit. I’m blaming the hormones.

9 comments:

annacyclopedia said...

Oh, sweetie! I so, so get this - the tears, the crazy emotions, the bloody hormones. And also the very real worries. All of it together can be incredibly overwhelming.

I know there are more tears, more worries, and more heart-exploding-with-pure-love-moments ahead - for both of us. And I know we will both get through them. Snot and all.

Biggest hugs to you.

Me said...

((HUGS))

Shinejil said...

Yes, it does come in these big, overwhelming waves (and likely that does have something to do with the hormones). You and J are going to make this work. You are.

Kristy said...

I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better. Pregnancy is a crazy thing and I can't even imagine what it's like with twins!

Eva said...

I so much understand your frustration with the financial side of having children!
And while the hormones might contribute to the amplitude of the emotion felt, they do not have to do with the eligibility to be upset about the situation.
I had one baby in Europe (where somebody pays your former salary at a level of 60% for a whole year and the government subsidizes childcare!) and one after we moved here (where nobody cares about how you get on - astonishingly still people have more children here...?).
It is very likely that everything works out well - though having children feels like it takes so much energy it also gives you so much that you will make it anyway through it all while surprinsingly still enjoying the journey. And it will be hard to leave your children in daycare, but still it is very likely that this will work out just fine as well.
I am having a family childcare provider care for my children (now only my younger one is still with her). And she is wonderful. And I looked at about 20 "professional" daycares and found most of them not as good for a variety of reasons (no mixed ages, more school-like than home-like, somewhat "uninspired" care givers talking more to each other than to the children), while almost 40% more expensive.
I hope it all settles down and turns out well! Best wishes to you and DH and the little ones!

Ms. J said...

Send some of that peace and acceptance my way, toots!

Doesn't it SUCK that we can't handle our stress the way we were accustomed to? Ya know, with plenty of cheap booze?!

Re: my NT Scan ... Yes it stinks that my pregnancy is a lovely movie trailer for what you get to worry bout next. Sigh. I think the accuracy or something on this screening for twins is different, but I can't remember how right now.

Question ... Did you survive the cutbacks at work?

Lorraine said...

Sounds like those tears were just what you needed - for now, anyway. (And those Demi Moore tears wouldn't have done it, really.)

Somehow, it will be okay - and maybe I'm just trying to convince myself of that more than anything else, but it has to work out. I am glad you're writing about this, though - we're supposed to be so happy to be pregnant that we're not allowed to have any complaints. And in the big picture, maybe that's true, but there are still worries, and it's nice to be able to vent about them.

Hope you have a relaxing weekend - lots of sleep does seem to keep those crazy hormone-induced emotions under control!

kate said...

I think your post title says it all- it really is all about the love, ultimately. It will be hard as hell, and I think I'd be more worried about you if you weren't weepy (hormonal effects aside, of course...).

You are so very lucky to have J by your side.

(Oh, and I will definitely be passing along your comments re. donor gametes to H- I really need him to quit slamming that door shut. I understand that he doesn't want to think about it seriously until it becomes apparent that it may be necessary, but I need to know that we have somewhere to go from here if this IVF doesn't work, and he seems dead set against even discussing it. Sigh.)

peesticksandstones said...

Oh my god, I have totally been there (and still go there to some extent). Growing up, money problems were huge and very stressful in my family -- and I was always made to feel it was my "fault". So, to this day, money is an extremely emotional issue. It's something I grapple with daily when it comes to my own family now.

It's also weird when you're facing these worries after spending all this time and money to GET pregnant -- I felt so guilty for even bringing up my money-fears then, so I avoided it. So we're just now finally talking about it/making a budget/plan, which is definitely not something you want to be tackling for the first time with a crying newborn at home.

Anyway, my point is I think it's awesome you're trying to figure this all out now. Even though it feels crappy and it sucks.

Something else I try to keep in mind: no matter how much money you have/don't have, it won't matter at all when you're on your death bed breathing your last breath. Money won't hug you, or love you back. I guess that's grim, but it helps me keep my freak-outs in check.