Thursday, June 5, 2008

Motherfucking OWWWWWWW!!!!!

A word of warning to anyone considering a miscarriage: they hurt. And not just a little, ooh-was-that-a-twinge kind of hurt. They hurt like a motherfucker. Like a beast clawing at my uterus from the inside, shredding the lining that I took so many drugs to build. Like a hot poker twisting in my lower gut, trying to burn its way out. And this is with one and a half percocet already in there fighting the battle. Soon I will take more. Soon.

The thing is, I knew this was going to hurt. After all, I’ve done it three times before. And twice without any painkillers, because the miscarriage hadn’t been “confirmed” yet. But you never really remember how bad something hurts, until you go through it again. (I’m convinced this is why women have second children, even after experiencing labor once.)

I’ve known this was coming for a week now. And I’ve thought back on those other times, trying to prepare myself for what’s to come. But the miscarriages of the past are all so abstract. And maybe it’s because I like thinking of myself as tough (one of the only consolation prizes of multiple IVFs and multiple miscarriages is feeling like an infertility badass) but there’s almost touch of fondness when I look back on those memories. Yeah, I remember my first miscarriage, lying all curled up on the couch watching old episodes of Buffy, heating pad on ‘high’ strapped to my belly, getting up every five minutes to hit the toilet and see what comes out. Yeah, good times…. So the pain has actually managed to take my by surprise.

I’m actually kind of glad J has to work tonight. He’s not terribly overwrought by my pain; he doesn’t treat me like I’m made of cornflakes and will blow away in a strong wind; it doesn’t break him apart to see me cry. And for the most part, I think that’s good for me. I’m a terrible whiner, and I need a “buck-up, little tiger” person in my life to keep me from being totally pathetic. But for tonight, I just want to take my drugs and feel sorry for myself with no audience.

While I’ve been writing this, I’ve had the strangest image. The cramping is coming in waves, easing up for a minute or two, then, just when I forget about it, kicking in and burning and making me resort to my deep breathing exercises. But the image I have isn’t the cramps coming and going like the ocean. The image I like is a to-the-death battle taking place within my uterus, which I picture as a dark cave with deep red walls. The battle is between the slavering beast within and the wonderful, white, lovely percocet, which I guess looks kind of like the happy pill in the old zoloft commercials (but with a sword, of course!). One minute, the percocet will take the high ground, forcing the snarling, fanged beast into a corner where he can only chew on a small part of my uterine wall. The next minute, the beast has regained its footing and is ripping me to shreds while the white pill cowers and tries to hide. Hmm… maybe it’s time to send in reinforcements.

28 comments:

InfertileMadWoman said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs coming your way.

Newt said...

Oh hell, honey, I'm sorry it hurts. Hope it's over soon, and the percoset wins the war.

DC said...

I think you're having Percocet-induced hallucinations (re: the tummy battle).

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Again. I'm thinking about you.

Io said...

::hugs::

Dreamer4agift said...

I'm sorry for the pain you're having to endure (in all areas). ((hugs))

annacyclopedia said...

I hope it's over soon, and I hope you never have to do this again. Sending you hugs and good wishes.

Portraits In Sepia said...

Oh I do hope you took some more percocet. And I am very sorry for your loss.

beautycourage said...

You know, in 3 years and 6 cycles I've never had a BFP. And there is a tiny part of me that wishes I would, even if it ended in miscarriage, just so I would know that it could work, even a little bit. But after reading this, I take it back. It sounds horrible. I hope the percocet does you right. Hang in there!!!!

Ms. J said...

It does hurt like an F'in b*tch.

Rebeccah said...

Oh, UGH. That so sucks. Sending you many pain-free thoughts. Was really glad to hear that McNulty is doing better. That fuzzy little fella has got to be good company right now...

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

so sorry for your loss and sorry for the pain. I wish what I had read on Mel's post made me think that I'm not going to sign up to read a preggo person's blog.
Miscarriages do hurt like hell. I never got pain meds w/ mine.
Sending prayers your way.

Io said...

Hey, I see you're up late - I hope the pain is getting better.
Yeah, Al is looking pretty much everywhere. South Dak*ta has the director of their c*vil liberties union position open. So he wants to apply. Yargh. It's a lot of jobs he wouldn't get in places I don't want to go. But I would TOTALLY move to DC. My sister went to G-town and then stayed out there for ten years after until this last fall and I used to visit her every year.

Malloryn said...

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. I hope it's over soon. ::hugs::

Joonie said...

I am so very sorry. You have been so sweet and supporting of me all the while going through a horrible loss yourself. I wish there were something I could do or say to make you feel better. Just know that I am thinking of you and I so appreciated you kind comments on my blog.

I also live in the DC area if you ever want to connect IRL send me an e-mail (joonie_baby@hotmail.com).

Familyof2 said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I can clearly remember the contractions of my miscarriage and hope that yours is over quickly.

Know we are with you in this time off trouble.

sara said...

I am so sorry, I can't even imagine. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

kate said...

Fuck you, miscarriage. You're a real asshole. Can't you just leave Babychaser alone???

I wish I could send in further Percocet to battle alongside yours, but alas, I have none.

And man- I step away from the blog reading for a day or two and all kinds of crazy shit happens. I'm sorry about your kitty, but glad that he seems better. I live with a lung disease and it's not so bad (pleurisy), so I'm sure McNulty will be just fine.

Amy said...

Found you on lost and found. I am so incredibly sorry. There just aren't words for any of this. Wishing you peace as you traverse this crappy road.

La La said...

So sorry that you are going through this, I hope you feel better soon!

Shinejil said...

I'm sorry for your loss, and for the fact you're going through such pain. I hope the painkillers finally did their job and you got some relief.

I also hope McNulty continues to improve. I know what it's like to see your kitty suddenly plunge into life-threatening illness, and it hurts.

I wish I could volunteer to bear some of your pain, even though you are an infertility badass. That we could all divide up your suffering and take a little portion on ourselves, to make your life easier...

peesticksandstones said...

I know this sounds sick, but I've been thinking of getting myself one of these fantastic heart-shaped heating pads for my next miscarriage: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=11176700

Should I be so lucky, of course.

Urgh, I am so sorry you're going through this. Hoping you get in lots of self-nurturing over the next few days. Hang in there, lady!

By the way, I am so thrilled to hear your kitty is okay! That is awesome news. Definitely makes me smile and think maybe God, the universe of whatever isn't totally mean and spiteful.

peesticksandstones said...

Oops, HERE's that dang heating pad:
http://www.heatingheart.com/

Ally said...

Do. NOT. Skimp. On. The. Pills. Period. Take what you need when you need it, sweetheart. All I can do is send healing thoughts your way and pray that your miscarriage is over soon, soon, soon. Please know I'm thinking about you.

Ms Heathen said...

I am so, so sorry that you are having to go through this again. I am thinking of you, and hoping that it will be over soon. Wishing you peace, strength and healing.

Katie said...

Why is it that things that hurt us so much emotionally have to then rip us apart physically? So sorry for your pain. Hope it is over soon.

Barb said...

I'm glad your kitty is going to be ok, but i'm so sorry about the pain. :(

Io said...

Hey, how are you doing? I've been thinking about you. ::hug::

The Rebound Girl said...

e-hugs sent your way. There is just no easy way to handle this and no words to say.