Vet Mafia Bitches

Fuck yeah! I’m the vettiest of all the Vet Mafia Bitches Bloggers. In pleasant blogville, I’m known as the sweet and supportive (and sometimes pushy) Babychaser.

But in the dirty underground of the VMB, they just call me EM/C. Why? Because, sista biotches, I am the motherfucking Early MisCarriage QUEEN of all time!

Who else can get a lighter shade of pink on the pee-test? What other chickie out there watches that pee-stick line get lighter day by day? Anyone else landed a beta below 40 … twice? How about having a miscarriage at the same time your beta’s doubling (but no pain killers, because maybe you're just losing one baby)? Anyone else pee on a stick every day for a WEEK after a missed period (after implantation bleeding), and only then have a faint, faint, so-faint-I’m-totally-imagining-things line show up? Anyone manage to get a high beta just once, just that one time, out of four fucking pregnancies, then end up in the ER a week later because the dumb-ass embryo crawled up into your tube before it settled in for a nice nap?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. You bitches can only dream of my bad-ass scars. (Not to mention the IRL scar, slashing across my pubic line like an opening salvo from Zorro.)

EM/C is my name, and broken dreams is my game. Can’t stay pregnant to save my life. Can’t stop trying. (How can you stop when it keeps almost working?)

My regular doctor says “just relax.”

My RE’s nurse says “God is just giving you a break—babies are a lot of work.”

My mom says “your infertility must come from your father’s side of the family.”

My mom-in-law says “can I have your sister’s e-mail address so I can send her a mother’s day card?”

… and she says “as soon as you put in the adoption paperwork you’ll get pregnant.”

My co-worker (who started TTC after I did and now has a toddler) says, “You should just adopt. I watch Wednesday’s Child all the time and I want to adopt them ALL.”

… and she says, “I have a friend who’s paying TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS to doctors to get her pregnant. Can you even believe someone would do that???”

Angelina Jolie says, “of course I didn’t use ART to get pregnant with my twins.”

Hollywood says, "You know what would be hi-larious? A movie about a woman that has to hire a surrogate because she can't bear children! Laugh riot."

… and it says, “Let’s give Sex and the City a happy ending and make Charlotte preggers. After all, everyone knows as soon as you adopt you’ll get knocked up, right?"

My man’s twin brother says “we’re pregnant, and she was on the pill at the time (but the antibiotics made it less potent).”

… but he says he won’t even discuss being our sperm donor, because “you really should adopt.”

My cousin says “we’re pregnant.”

Our best friends say, “we’re pregnant.”

My other best friend says, “I’m pregnant.”

My co-worker says “I’m pregnant.”

What do I say?

I say FUCK THE FUCKING FERTILE HO-BITCHES.

I will cut a bitch.

Just try me.

I am EM/C, and I can bleed and cry at the same time. What can you do, beotch?

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Think you have what it takes to be a VMB? Come find out. I double dog dare you.

Vet Mafia Bloggers