Friday, June 20, 2008

Vet Mafia Bitches


Fuck yeah! I’m the vettiest of all the Vet Mafia Bitches Bloggers. In pleasant blogville, I’m known as the sweet and supportive (and sometimes pushy) Babychaser.

But in the dirty underground of the VMB, they just call me EM/C. Why? Because, sista biotches, I am the motherfucking Early MisCarriage QUEEN of all time!

Who else can get a lighter shade of pink on the pee-test? What other chickie out there watches that pee-stick line get lighter day by day? Anyone else landed a beta below 40 … twice? How about having a miscarriage at the same time your beta’s doubling (but no pain killers, because maybe you're just losing one baby)? Anyone else pee on a stick every day for a WEEK after a missed period (after implantation bleeding), and only then have a faint, faint, so-faint-I’m-totally-imagining-things line show up? Anyone manage to get a high beta just once, just that one time, out of four fucking pregnancies, then end up in the ER a week later because the dumb-ass embryo crawled up into your tube before it settled in for a nice nap?

Yeah, I didn’t think so. You bitches can only dream of my bad-ass scars. (Not to mention the IRL scar, slashing across my pubic line like an opening salvo from Zorro.)

EM/C is my name, and broken dreams is my game. Can’t stay pregnant to save my life. Can’t stop trying. (How can you stop when it keeps almost working?)

My regular doctor says “just relax.”

My RE’s nurse says “God is just giving you a break—babies are a lot of work.”

My mom says “your infertility must come from your father’s side of the family.”

My mom-in-law says “can I have your sister’s e-mail address so I can send her a mother’s day card?”

… and she says “as soon as you put in the adoption paperwork you’ll get pregnant.”

My co-worker (who started TTC after I did and now has a toddler) says, “You should just adopt. I watch Wednesday’s Child all the time and I want to adopt them ALL.”

… and she says, “I have a friend who’s paying TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS to doctors to get her pregnant. Can you even believe someone would do that???”

Angelina Jolie says, “of course I didn’t use ART to get pregnant with my twins.”

Hollywood says, "You know what would be hi-larious? A movie about a woman that has to hire a surrogate because she can't bear children! Laugh riot."

… and it says, “Let’s give Sex and the City a happy ending and make Charlotte preggers. After all, everyone knows as soon as you adopt you’ll get knocked up, right?"

My man’s twin brother says “we’re pregnant, and she was on the pill at the time (but the antibiotics made it less potent).”

… but he says he won’t even discuss being our sperm donor, because “you really should adopt.”

My cousin says “we’re pregnant.”

Our best friends say, “we’re pregnant.”

My other best friend says, “I’m pregnant.”

My co-worker says “I’m pregnant.”

What do I say?

I say FUCK THE FUCKING FERTILE HO-BITCHES.

I will cut a bitch.

Just try me.

I am EM/C, and I can bleed and cry at the same time. What can you do, beotch?

*************************

Think you have what it takes to be a VMB? Come find out. I double dog dare you.

Vet Mafia Bloggers



22 comments:

Bon said...

Holla at cha EM/C! You left an awesome comment on my blog! Nice to meet cha! That empty arms video is a bitch isn't it? Will get you crying every time!

BTW love your pic. I'm guessing I already know what the tatoos represent...

Io said...

DUDE. EM/C that was the best initiation post ever. And awesome picture.
You are so jumped in.

(And I'm so glad you posted - I was thinking about you earlier today and wondering how you were. ::hugs::)

Barb said...

Awesome. :)

DC said...

Oh my goodness. This post almost made me pee my pants with laughter.

Kymberli said...

I second Io - best effin' jump in post of all.

I cannot BELIEVE your RE's nurse said that shit to you! That has to be the worst one of them all. Why the freak would you be there putting yourself through all of that if you wanted a "break" from children? If anyone was going to get shanked, I'd start with her.

Welcome to the Mafia, EM/C.

Newt said...

Zowie. You're a scary lady! And that picture is HOT.

I also can't believe the RE's nurse said that to you. I wonder how many infertiles she's said that to over the years? Yikes.

Susan said...

Yo, EM/C! "Patches" here. You sound like a pretty badass chic. I'd like you at my back, any day.

sara said...

Are you serious that your RE's nurse said that, I think I would have had to hit her right then and there!!!! I am laughing so hard reading your post, but at the same time want to cry because people can be so F-ing stupid. Thanks for sharing :-)

peesticksandstones said...

Hell yeah! You made me laugh my ASS off so big-time. I needed that. Thank you. Of course, I was also crying inside at the same time. Sigh...

I totally need to get my shit together here and join up. Think I can get my cat to take my picture? I do not know how I could ever start to explain this all to my husband.

I heart you, babychaser! I always thought you were cool before, but now I know you totally rule.

the Babychaser: said...

Note to anyone wondering: I took that picture by myself, with the self-timer. This was SO not something I was going to ask J to do!!! (And I had to take a bunch to get the one that made me look thin. Optical illusion, I swear!)

But I did tell him today that I joined a gang....

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

laughing and crying at the same time...

Jen said...

This post is perfection! You are badass.

I love that wall color, by the way.

Wishing 4 One said...

Yo you are GANGSTA for real!!! Absolutely THE best post in/jump in ever! Anything goes down, i want YOU for my back yo! Peace out and catch ya soon- Wishy Wish

Ms. J said...

Wow, sex-ay!

Um, would you mind sharing with me your place of employment . . . I'd like to sneak in and personally strangle the life out of your co-worker, so she never agains utters the STUPID-ASS phrase of "just adopt!" (like that "just happens" as easily as one orders a pizza).

Grrrrr.

kate said...

Nice pic, chica! And your RE nurse can go fuck herself. And moms really do know how to cut the deepest. Bitches.

I'm beginning to think you and I were separated at birth. I love your tats, and will have to post pics of my own soon.

Someday, dude. You and I will conquer the gaddamn world...

Ms Heathen said...

Respect, EM/C!

And fuck the fucking fertile ho-bitches! Fuck em all!

Amber said...

Great initiation post.

Working Girl said...

...a girl like that would kill your sista...

EM/C...I am glad I am on your side because you are one badass biotch..fo' schizzle!!!

La La said...

ROFL, you go girl!

Rebeccah said...

Amen to all of that, sister! And I love your photo...

Katie said...

I want to be EM/C, squared!!

(I never did very well in physics.)


Too funny.

Shinejil said...

YEAH!