Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Universe Hates Me

McNulty, my sweet little (okay, not so little anymore) kitten that I adopted purely as a measure to bring new life and joy into my dismal barren life, is very sick. He had his neuter surgery on Monday, and seemed like he was recovering fairly well yesterday. But this morning he seemed to have trouble breathing, was lethargic, and wouldn’t eat. This afternoon J took him to the vet. He just called. It’s very serious. Either McNulty has pneumonia or a heart defect.

J and I suspect it’s a heart defect. He’s always seemed a bit wheezy when we hold him on his back, and he doesn’t have a fever indicating an infection. I don’t know if he’ll even survive this. If he does, it’ll involve daily medication for the rest of his life. I don’t know if I’m up for that. I don’t know if I’m willing to bond even more with a pet that’s going to have a shaky life, and could die on me at any moment. And I’m sure this is costing me a fortune right now.

I’ve stopped crying, because I finally took a xanax. Luckily, no one at work is going to notice, because I’ve been so fucking sick for the past three days that my eyes and nose were already red and swollen, and my lips were already pink and puffy (and not in an attractive way, I assure you). Basically, ever since Sunday I’ve been coughing. Pretty much constantly. My throat is so raw it hurts to breathe. Last night and today the congestion kicked in on top of it.

And the miscarriage has yet to start, even though my beta was down to 6 on Monday. Why won’t it just fucking START already? While I’m already miserable. While I’m already incapable of functioning. But no, it has to wait. Wait until I’ve blown a sick day on the cold (stayed home Monday, but have been here at work yesterday and today), which I was hoping to save for the miscarriage. Wait until I’ve given in and cancelled all plans for the next week in anticipation of The Bleed. And now it’s waiting until I get news that my new there-is-still-hope kitten might die.

In 2007 I had two miscarriages, major surgery, and my 12-year-old cat died. I was kind of counting on 2008 to go better. But it’s less than half over and I’ve already got one negative beta, one miscarriage, a second mortgage if I want to keep trying to have a child, and now maybe another dead cat. I mean, seriously, how much more of this shit can one person take?

16 comments:

2roads said...

I remember when my dog had his first seizure and I was a wreck. I was so scared of losing him and worried about him being on meds the rest of his life even if he did survive it, and how long would I have him? He was my world, crazy, maybe, but it's my world. Anyway, the drugs really fixed it, and it was easy enough to get used to. It's been 9 years since that first scary, very expensive vet visit. I hope your story ends well, too. I'm sorry this is hitting you when you have absolutely no reserve. It's crappy timing and no one should bear so much. I hope your dear McNulty pulls through. Sounds like you might need each other...

beautycourage said...

Oh sweetie this is horrible!! I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. Except that I'm thinking of you.

DC said...

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I hope McNulty gets better soon! Please don't give up on the little guy!

Carrie said...

Yes, seriously, how much can one person take and why does it always have to come in waves lie that? I am very sorry and I truly hope that McNulty pulls though. You have enough on your plate right now :(

Carrie

Io said...

No! McNulty! I hope it's pneumonia. Oh honey, I wish life would stop shitting on you. I am so so sorry.

Mrs.X said...

Oh, as a kitty lover, I feel your pain. I'm so sorry and I hope that McNulty gets better!

This is just an altogether terrible time and I would recommend hunkering down to ride out the storm. It will get better. I promise.

Jen said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry. You guys need (and deserve) a freaking break.
I hope McNulty gets better.

Dreamer4agift said...

I don't even know what to say, so instead, I'm sending more (((((hugs)))))

I hope to hear that your kitty is better much sooner than you expect. Don't give up all hope quite yet on her.

luna said...

sorry things are not moving more quickly with your body. and sorry about the kitty. hope it's treatable pneumonia.

Ms. J said...

I am so terribly sorry about your cat.

The suckiness factor in your life is just so friggin' high right now.

I remember that after 2003, 2004, and 2005 that 2006 (when we decided to make a kid) would FINALLY be our year. Sucked. 2007? Actually worse than 2006.

I've been thinking about you, lots.

annacyclopedia said...

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I'm sending massive "fuck off" vibes to the universe on your behalf. i wish I could tell you something to make it better, but I can't. So just know that you're in my thoughts often, and I'm keeping you in my prayers, along with McNulty. I really hope things turn around for you soon.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Not the kitten, too!??? Oh. I wish I knew what to do to help alleviate the supreme unfairness that's been visiting so disproportionately. I know some really obnoxious people who have had it good for far too long. Maybe I could redirect the universe in their direction???

Ms Heathen said...

Not this as well!

I am so sorry - sometimes it seems that life can be so senselessly cruel. I am keeping both you and McNulty in my thoughts, and wishing you peace and healing.

seriously? said...

UHG. I am so sorry that it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I hope your cat is ok and he makes it through this.

I am sorry for your loss.

peesticksandstones said...

I am so, so sorry about all this. You would think a healthy kitten companion to keep you company through this wouldn't be much to ask for. I know I rely on my cats heavily to mop up my tears some days.

Also wishing cycle failures came with some kind of consolation prize built in to soften the blow. But often it seems like they come complete with extra punches in the face.

Grrrrr... so angry at the universe today. Will be hitting the (wine in my case instead of Xanax) bottle with you soon myself! Big, big hugs.

Deborah said...

So sorry that you are having to go thru all this at once. I know what it feels like to just wonder, who did I piss off in a previous life? I hope things get better soon.