Help Me List What Not To Say (To Be Distributed to My RE’s Staff)

Have I mentioned how much I love my RE’s office? On Friday, two days after my over-the-top reaction to not getting a call-back from New Nurse, I received a call from the office manager (who oversees all staff). She’s the same woman that I worked with to revamp the shared-risk contract, and I really like her. She told me that my RE had told her about the problem, and she wanted to check in and see if I was okay.

At this point, I’m of two minds about the issue. On the one hand, I feel vindicated in my vehement reaction. I have now heard apologies from Favorite Nurse (the head nurse), my RE, and the office manager. Clearly, I wasn’t totally nuts to freak out over a nurse’s failure to return my call (a call seeking instructions on my cycle). All agreed that this was a huge trust issue, and I was right to be upset.

On the other hand, poor New Nurse has had plenty of grief now for this. (And she really is nice, though occasionally misguided.) I know that Favorite Nurse talked to her about it, and the RE probably talked to her, this after I talked to her about it. And I was kind of … well … forceful (I didn’t yell or anything, but I did insist that it was unacceptable not to return a call for instructions, even if she had no new information). So now I feel kind of bad. I mentioned this to the office manager––told her that I probably scared New Nurse myself, and that I didn’t want to get her in trouble. I was assured that she was not in trouble, but that there was another patient this week that had had the same problem, and that New Nurse was very good and they wanted to make sure everything worked out for her.

At this point, due in large part to my comfort with the office manger, I decided to tell her what New Nurse had said to me the first time I met her. I made sure she understood that I wasn’t lodging a complaint, but I wanted her to know what had happened in case anyone else had a problem with this.

For those of you just joining us, New Nurse joined my RE’s office in May (coming straight from being a maternity nurse). The first time I met her was my first day starting an FET cycle after a failed IVF cycle, and I was feeling really low. In an effort to comfort me, while she was drawing my blood, she said, “Did you ever think that maybe this is just God’s way of giving you a break? Kids are a lot of work, you know, and maybe He just thinks you need some rest.”

If I hadn’t been so fucking depressed that day, I would have read her the riot act. Rest from what? Rest from not having kids? Not only was it offensive as hell, it made no sense! Not believing in God, this remark actually didn’t do too much damage. But I know that a lot of infertile women worry that it might be God’s will, that maybe they are being punished. Even being reminded of that thought––or hearing someone else voice it out loud––can be very hurtful. Frankly, I was appalled. But I didn’t want to come out of my shell and set her straight that day. I just didn’t have the energy.

So I told the office manager about this. She was shocked. Of course, her first comment (and I could not agree more) was that it was inappropriate to bring God up in any kind of professional medical setting. But she also agreed with my adamant position: never suggest to an infertile woman that God has anything to do with it!

This leads me to the point of my post today. I told the office manager that, a few months ago, I had come across an incredible post that listed all of the things not to say to an infertile couple, and that if I could find it, I would send it to her. She seemed really excited about this, and said she would make such a list required reading for her entire staff.

I have tried in vain to find the blog, but I didn’t save it and I don’t know where it is. I’ve found a lot of articles (and blogs quoting articles) that list such things, but each one has different items on the list. While I might use those to compile a master list, I thought it would be better if we made our own list.

Comments, please? I want to include stuff that you would tell your friends and family, but I’m also looking for stuff specific to the medical profession. This is our chance to EDUCATE those fertile assholes, and maybe save another poor woman from sitting there with a needle in her arm hearing how she’s lost three years of her life because God is simply taking pity on her.