Monday, August 17, 2009

Double Your Freakout

It’s a good thing a picture’s worth a thousand words, because I’m finding myself speechless. Or at least as close to speechless as I ever get.

So . . . um . . . TWINS! This is good, right? This is what I wanted? We all sat down and agreed that twins was the best possible scenario—the only way I could get the two children I wanted.

So why do I keep shaking my head as if there’s something loose in there, and why is there one recurring thought looping around my brain: What the fuck have I done?

I’m sure I’m happy. Really. Somewhere inside me there is happy. And I’m definitely not sad or anything. Just completely freaked out. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking? What the fuck have I gone and done now?

I’m also a bit tense, as usual, about my health and the health of the pregnancy. My RE saw a “small bleed” in my uterus, and has given me strict instructions not to exercise for several days. (She wasn’t clear on how long, but I’m going to give it a week—we’re doing a check-on-the-bleed sono on Monday.) Also, my ovaries apparently are still enormous. So I’m worried that the bleed could get worse or my ovaries could freak out some more.

I’m also upset that I have to stop exercising again. I’m not exercising hard—just walking on the treadmill at a moderate pace for about 30-40 minutes a night. But that exercise is critical to the health of my lower back, which is FINALLY starting to feel better after weeks of stiffness and pain from the retrieval/transfer bed-rest time. My back just doesn’t do well with sitting around. It likes action.

If it’s just a week, I’ll survive. But I really need to be exercising to feel healthy and strong. And I really need to feel healthy and strong because holy fucking shit I have TWO embryos living inside me!

Like pregnancy with one wasn’t scary enough.

Finally, does anyone know what the odds are that both embryos will make it to “baby” stage? I have no idea, and didn’t want to ask my RE. (Seemed like a morbid question to be asking at this point in time, no?)

26 comments:

Ms. J said...

HOLY SHIT!

Damn, you and I continue to be astounded by what we learn at these appts, eh?!

I know my assurances will be completely ignored (just as I assured all that were given to me 3-4 weeks ago) BUT . . . a bleed in the uterus should be okay, and I think something like 25-30% of all women have them AND they still go one to deliver RLB (real lives babies). You will be monitored to see if the bleed is getting smaller (you could have some bleeding, or it will be reabsorbed).

TRY (again, you will ignore, and I understand) not to freak out if you bleed a bit - that is's not necessarily connected to the babies (mine was not, and I had 3 seperate bleeding incidents, which tapered off). And brown blood/gunk is okay, as that's "old blood".

I am gonna be friggin' excited for you! (Is it me, or is pregnancy and adoption good news "catching" lately?!)

Joonie said...

That is wonderful! It's also totally normal to freak out at the thought of twins. I'm not sure how I would have reacted to that news.

I also had bleeding (lot of it) on and off throughout the first trimester and it seemed like the pregnancy symptoms would disappear with each bleeding episode, but they surely would come back after a sono would confirmed that I was indeed still pregnant.

So hang in there babe! I'm pulling for you with all I've got.

Eva said...

How wonderful!

annacyclopedia said...

Uh, double my freakout is right, my friend!!! I was expecting a beta update when I read the title, not this!

I completely understand your mix of emotions and not quite knowing what to think. I felt much the same way for the first 12 weeks or so, and I've only got a singleton. It is a time to be freaked out, not matter how it all came about, so just hang in there - nothing wrong with being freaked out.

As for exercise - could you do something very gentle like swimming, or even pool walking? (It's kind of lame, I realize, but as a fellow back pain sufferer I totally get the action vs. sloth thing, and any movement is better than none.) Just a thought.

Also, bleeding is very, very common - way more than most of us even think, and in itself, as long as you are being well cared for and not pushing yourself, is not necessarily a problem. Hope it is this way for you and you are back to normal activity and total good health in no time.

Wow. I'm still sort of reeling with the thought of all the possibilities in front of you, and keeping you in my thoughts for continued good news.

kate said...

WHA???? OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

Twins! Twins!!!!!

It sucks that you have to stop exercising. Did she give you any indication of what you could do? Maybe some gentle stretches to do to keep the muscles loose in your lower back while you wait for the bleed to sort itself out?

I have no idea what the odds are, but I think in my unprofessional casual blog research it seems that about half of those with more than one ended up with twin babies and about half ended up with a singleton. But I'm with you-- if you've got one good shot at it, and you've paid a fuckload of money and you ultimately want to have two, then I think the benefits of a two-for-one slightly outweigh the risks inherent with a twin pregnancy (and the woes of raising two at once).

This is me hoping with all my might that you come home with TWO BABIES! How EXCITING!!!

Gibson Twins said...

I found your blog via Ms. J's.
Why wouldn't both make it to baby stage? I'd say there's a huge huge huge likelihood they will.
Congratulations!!

(Even when I didn't have any bleeds detected on ultrasound or on tp, I still freaked out daily and looked at EVERY single piece of TP til the day I delivered the twins).

Jill said...

... AND I'm crying! That's such exciting news! YAY! Congrats!

Carrie said...

Eeek! Congrats!

-Carrie
http://welayinrepose.livejournal.com

Shinejil said...

I can't lie: I had my suspicions. :)

I don't know the stats, but you now have a very, very good chance of a baby. I understand the freak out completely: I've been there.

I'm sorry to hear about your back and the no exercising--but with two in there, my bet is you're going to be really grateful for the rest in a few days. It hit me like a brick wall right about where you are now... Does massage help? I know you've mentioned a chiropractor or osteopath...any chance you can book an appointment?

April said...

congrats!! i had bleeding during the first trimester, too...and also ultrasounds that showed blood in the uterus. there are some people who explain it away as implantation bleeding. who knows.

take care of yourself!! :)

strongblonde.wordpress.com

Metro said...

Wow! Exciting! and Scary! You're pregnant, yay!

Mrs. Hammer said...

Great news! I think just about anyone would freak out. Praying that they stick for the next 9 months!

Good Egg Hunting said...

Woohoo x 2! I am SO thrilled for you. Try not to worry -- I know this is an unrealistic suggestion for you, but try. I had a bleeding episode at 6 weeks from a hematoma and it resolved quickly. I don't think you'll be off exercise for long -- in fact, my doctor told me when I was actually bleeding that I didn't need to change my activity at all. I think some docs tell you to just because there's nothing else you can do, as an extra precaution. Hang in there -- I will be thinking of you and praying for those little embies!

Newt said...

Whoa, Whoa! Congratulations! Yay for twins!

Rebeccah said...

Yippee!! I thought your numbers seemed particularly high for just one bean. Freaking out seems exactly the normal thing to do right now -- but in a *good* way! : )

Dagny said...

congrats.
xoxo

Me said...

Fabulous news!

one-hit_wonder said...

Oh MY!!! Congratulations! I do understand, to some extent, the mix of emotions, as I mentioned on my own blog (not about twins, of course, but about my first ever healthy beta).

I also COMPLETELY get the fear about back pain. I haven't been able to exercise, really, since the RE didn't want me to do my regular back pain management program. So I have more pain than usual, but it has been tolerable so far. Oddly, though normally I'm immune to Tylenol (Naproxen and Celebrex don't even do anything for me), it has actually helped somewhat during my pregnancy.

Continuing to wish you the best - I know the bleed must be beyond scary.

Rambler said...

Twins was most likely at the end of the spectrum that said "probably not". But excited to hear that you could have that larger family you've wanted, albeit at the same time.

Congrats and hope it sinks in soon. :)

Io said...

Holy CARP! And here you were all worrying about betas! DUDE.

I know this has got to be scary and new but you can do it. No, really. It might suck and you might want to shoot me, but I have faith dude.

TWINS. My goodness.

Io said...

Holy CARP! And here you were all worrying about betas! DUDE.

I know this has got to be scary and new but you can do it. No, really. It might suck and you might want to shoot me, but I have faith dude.

TWINS. My goodness.

peesticksandstones said...

I was scared about my bleed, too, but my RE said that like 80% of his IVF patients who get pregnant have them on those early sonos. So hang in there!

And major, major congrats.

Lorraine said...

Sometimes you really DO get what you wanted! Congratulations on the two, and take it easy - sounds like you should be just fine!

Kim said...

Well I'll be damned! That is wonderful news! I hope the bleed clears itself up quickly.

Malloryn said...

OMG how wonderful! More nerve-wracking and yet incredible too :)

Jaded Girl said...

Good for you.
i have followed your journey and only wish you and J the best - and of course your twins.