Sunday, August 16, 2009

I Feel Nothing (But Fear)

Apparently I can't be appeased. Even though Eva’s beta-calculator made me feel a lot better about Friday's beta, between yesterday and today all of my pregnancy symptoms seem to have disappeared, including the need to eat every two hours. Paranoia still dwells deep in my heart--and now I am worried that even if the embryo HAS stopped developing, the sono won't show it. (Does anyone know about this? Can the doctor tell from the sono whether the embryo is still alive? I can’t imagine how.)

It doesn't help that for the past two nights in a row, I've had a dream where I went to the bathroom and discovered that I had started bleeding, just a little bit, just like the start of my period. In both dreams I totally lost it. Very upsetting.

I woke up this morning (after a really long night's sleep where I only had to get up once and eat a tortilla) convinced that the embryo already had died. I can understand the lack of nausea—that comes and goes. But where is the hunger? Can that just disappear for a day or two?

I'm feeling a bit less certain about a loss in the light of day, but I wouldn't mind some mad hunger or morning sickness to make me feel a bit more--pregnant.

It must be frustrating being my friend right now. You probably just want to shake me. I know I do.


Shinejil said...

Nope, don't want to shake you, just want to take a deep breath because I remember those feelings very, very well--and I haven't faced the loss you have. I never figured out what would take away the fear, but I hope that if you know that the fear is utterly normal, that might help ease things.

I was scared, basically nonstop, for the first 8 weeks I knew I was pregnant (so until 10 weeks). Then the fear gradually faded, though the trauma still comes and bites me firmly in the ass.

If the embie(s) are the right size for date, that will be a very good sign until you get to a heartbeat. I found my symptoms came and went, that I had good days (when I felt "normal") and bad days (when I felt insane).

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, and hoping all turns out well.

Good Egg Hatched said...

If I want to shake you, I want to shake me too. You are totally normal for feeling all these things. But the thing I would offer to you, which I have learned the hard way, is that nothing you are feeling tells you anything. Nothing. I have "lost" all my symptoms many times over only to have them return with a vengeance. I have insisted on extra betas and heartbeat checks when I've felt certain that I'd get bad news, and everything's been fine. And I've dreamed about worst-case scenarios just as you have, and none of them has come true (contrary to my certain belief that pregnancy had made me clairvoyant and the dreams were predictive). I know it's hard to believe others when you feel so uncertain and scared. But one thing my RE said to me after I'd had a night of bleeding at 6 weeks was that "the fate of this pregnancy was sealed at conception...we are just spectators at this point, waiting to see what this embryo will do." It was hard for me to hear that because I want to control everything, but at the same time it was totally freeing, because I realized that it's truly out of my hands and nothing I think or do can change the outcome. So I'm not going to tell you not to worry because I know that won't happen. But maybe try to give yourself a break when you analyze your symptoms and feelings and remind yourself that you've done everything you can. I'll be thinking of you!

Illanare said...

Of course you are scared and I'm thinking that nothing anyone says will help until you know for sure everything is okay.

But (although I really hate these "I knew someone" stories usually) - I'm sharing this one. A friend of mine also lost all her pregnancy symptoms, including nausea and hunger and sore boobs, from 6-8 weeks. She also had some spotting, but she and the baby were fine and she is due to give birth in 3 weeks' time.

Like Good Egg Hunting says, I'm not going to say "don't worry", just hang in there the best you can under the circumstances.

You're in all our thoughts.

Ms. J said...

I am sorry that you are accompanying me on this paranoia adventure. Remember, I have not had one iota of morning sickness throughout. My boobs only slightly larger (and that comes and goes, too). I sometimes wish I could have an ultrasound 2x's a week just to allay my nerves.

If it wasn't for the u/s's I would not believe I was pregnant (remember I had bleeding too) and thus be drinking like a fish.

Welcome aboard, fellow el loco comparde!

annacyclopedia said...

Just abiding with you, sweetheart, and listening. And not wanting to shake you in the slightest - just wanting to swaddle you in a fluffy duvet and protect you from worry and grant your every wish.

Anonymous said...

It is so hard to go through this and there is not much one could say to help you scare away those fears. I remember feeling very lonely with this anxiety.

It is now some time ago, but I do remember how hard it is to be pregnant after a miscarriage. And in general how hard it is to wait for your children and fight for them. And how you then loose your trust in the whole process, you second guess every feeling and every loss of symptoms. And unfortunately to a certain extent it will stay like that for the whole pregnancy.

However, an important thing is that at this time there is no "hard fact" that would support your worries, no bleeding and rather normal betas. I know this does not really help. If the embryo measures the right size it will be a third important step on your journey through this pregnancy. I hope everything goes well tomorrow!

Kate said...

It's totally normal to feel that way. I've thought the same thing for the last x weeks. They should be able to get an idea how things are going by the way the gestational sac and yolk sac look, then by the fetal pole size and the heartbeat. Hope you get some reassurance soon!

Sue said...

Sorry you haven't been able to enjoy a moment of all your positive tests so far. Hang in there. I'm hoping for good news tomorrow.

Newt said...

I just got back from a trip and stopped in and whoa, girl, you're pregnant! I am so (cautiously) thrilled!

I have been to the early first trimester four awful times, and I think there is no cure for the anxiety and uncertainty but just getting to that magical 12th week. Then it diminishes, but alas, doesn't go away. Hoping hoping hoping you get good news this week.

kate said...

I definitely don't want to shake you. I do want to do *something* though, but I just have no idea what to do. So I guess just picture me hugging you long distance. Um, if you're the huggy kind of person that is. If not, think of it as a comforting pat on the back or something.

The mind is a fucked up playground in the REM state. I wish I had some cure for messed up nightmare-dreams, but the best I can offer you is to find some sort of imagery that feels comforting and to use that to help get yourself relaxed enough to go back to sleep with a clear head. Sometimes it works for me, and sometimes not.

Waiting with you, hoping for some peace of mind for you.

one-hit_wonder said...

If you go back on my blog, you'll see my posts on how ridiculously normal I felt at the start. I hear the same thing from a lot of women. But it's totally and completely normal to feel anxious.