Thursday, July 16, 2009

How to Blog Through Mood Swings

I meant to be better about blogging this cycle. Really I did. I find just knowing that other women are reading my blog satisfying, and I get a lot of comfort and wisdom from the comments you all leave on my blog, as well as from reading your blogs.

But it’s hard to settle on a post when you’re mood is swinging around like mad. I come up with an idea for a blog, then an hour later I’m in a totally different place, and can’t imagine following through on my original idea. Here are some of my half-baked post ideas from the past few days:

  • How crappy I feel. (And there are so many variations on this theme: bloating sucks because it makes me feel fat and ugly; if I’m so damn tired all the time why can’t I sleep at night; name that abdominal pain; headaches make me feel worthless; hot flashes in mid-summer in DC are redundant, yet still awful; and the list goes on . . . .)
  • How much I just want to crawl under my desk and cry.
  • How I wish my husband would realize how hard this is on me (stressful, full-time job + doctors appointments + hormones + physical strain + insomnia) and offer to do EVERYTHING he can to help me without me having to ask.
  • How I get these strange bursts of energy (from the Lupron, I think) that make me kind of manic—talking really fast, laughing loud, and (when I can harness it) working really efficiently—and how that’s kind of fun.
  • How sometimes I feel so drugged that it feels like I’m pulling my facial muscles through mud just to smile at someone, and it takes a concentrated effort to talk without slurring my words.
  • How sometimes I find myself so full of hope this cycle I catch myself assuming I’m going to be pregnant in a few weeks and won’t have to do this again.
  • How hard I find it to believe that this might work.
  • How frustrating it is to have to plan out August assuming there might be a miscarriage that will pull me out of work for a week or more.
  • How each IVF cycle gets harder, rather than easier, because even though you know better what you’re doing each time, the pressure is also higher each time, and how sometimes the pressure seems so intense I just want to scream.
  • How sometimes I think that at some point my body is just going to give up and stop producing eggs no matter what drugs I take, and I have to approach each cycle as if it were my last.
  • How work is a blessing, because it allows me to focus on something other than getting pregnant, something that I have some measure of control over.
  • How angry I am that our office is announcing more RIFs, because I just can’t cope with that kind of fear on top of everything else I’m dealing with.

    And, my favorite:
  • How much I hate belly pics of pregnant women, because I don’t need a glaring reminder that my normal condition is way fatter than that cute little four-months’-pregnant girl who’s just starting to poke over the top of her low-rise jeans.

But I’m not going to write about any of those. Instead, I’ll just give some updates:

  1. Another sample of our donor became available, and we bought that one too. Which I think is making both of us feel a little better. Nice to know that if we have to go again we don’t have to pick another donor.
  2. Despite my paranoia, I am producing eggs. Unfortunately, Lefty is running behind again. Stupid lazy ovary. Step up and be a man, dammit!
  3. The Harvest is looking to be mid-week next week. My money’s on Thursday, though Wednesday’s running a strong second.

I’ll let y’all know what I find out in my monitoring tomorrow.


kate said...

Heh. I seem to have a lot to think about, too, lately. Not along the same vein as you, but still. Lots to think about, lots to post about, and not quite sure where to start.

And even without the drugs, I can relate to the "how come I'm so tired that I can't sleep???" thing. Frustrating, I know.

Cool that you got an extra sample from Donor Dude. Glad you're producing eggs. And I'll be thinking of you next week as you go in for the Harvest. This time next week I will finally be getting my annual and plan to ask my doc to get me an appointment with an RE that she knows and trusts (I'm not sure about the dude I had researched before. I really want Dr. Pinata's input, since she's the kind of doc I really like, and she hasn't yet sent me to someone I dislike...).

Io said...

I hope all the crappy crap gets better and you come home to a miraculously clean house with all errands run, etc...
and I really hope that you produce a gazillion eggs, retrieval goes well, and that extra sample you got is never needed. (But glad you got it!)

Newt said...

Holy hell, sweet pea, that's a lot to deal with. I sure as shooting hope this is the last time you have to deal with all this, and this is the cycle that makes your family complete, but I know that's impossible to think about right now. Keep making eggs, little ovary. It's almost go time.

K77 said...

Sounds like you've got a lot on your mind.

Good that your eggs are happening and that you got another vial of your guy. I hope you don't need it though.

Shinejil said...

I always get severely exhausted yet plagued with insomnia when my hormonal balance is thrown off by drugs or whathaveyou. It really, really sucks and I sympathize. The only thing that's worked for me personally--but again, is really fucking hard to do with swelling ovaries--is exercise (like swimming). But sounds like you DON'T need something else you have to do right toss that out.

God, hot flashes in DC... my heart truly goes out to you. I hope all this shit gets waaaay better after retrieval as the Lupron bitch leaves the building.

It's really hard to have faith in something that has kicked you around so hard in the past. But it's equally hard to go through something that's causing you so much suffering without any hope at all. You're walking a tightrope.

I second your emotion re: slim little preggo chicks. I get so mad when I hear about people indulging in yummy treats and still looking like sticks with melons strapped to their abdomens. My body has thoughtfully decided to turn any calorie about starvation levels into rolling waves of fat.

Finally, I'm sending you a huge hug. I hope you never have to do this again, too.

Barb said...

sorry for your distress. the pain inflicted on you from others isn't intended.

Malloryn said...

Oi, no wonder your poor head is spinning! I hope you're feeling better soon. It's great that you were able to buy another sample, and yay that the egg production is coming along. C'mon lefty!

I hear ya about the RIFs... I only recently learned what that meant, and it's happening here too. It suuuucks!

annacyclopedia said...

Pulling for an awesome harvest for you and hoping your powerful hope is going to pull you through the next few weeks to your long-awaited and if I may say, damn well EARNED happy ending/beginning. Big hugs to you, my friend.

Lorraine said...

These exact same thoughts hop in and out of my head, too. Like, I wish my husband would wash my car, or take it to be washed, but I don't want to have to ask him to do it.

The hormones wreak their own havoc and there is really nothing to do but get through it. Sad, but true. I hope you have a great harvest!

Dagny said...

(((((GIANT HUG))))))

Rebeccah said...

Wow, that list brings back memories. Brain fog sucks, as does having to worry about RIFs on top of everything else. Ugh! And in DC in the summer ... Sending much sympathy and good thoughts your way!