Five eggs. Four embryos. And my RE wants to put them all back.
And I’m completely freaked out by this.
We put four back last summer, but they were fertilized with J’s sub-par sperm, not with commercial super-sperm. And we ended up with a not-surprising negative beta.
My RE says that she doesn’t think the risk of multiples (beyond twins) is very high. Which, by the way, makes me kind of sad, because it means that maybe we’re not changing things SO much by going to donor sperm—maybe my chances of getting pregnant, even with a donor, aren’t as high as I thought.
I am so unbelievably torn. On the one hand, this cycle was pure hell (still is). And it was Cycle #5. I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take before I crack, or my body gives out completely. I REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED THIS TO WORK. Obviously, putting back four embryos greatly increases the chance of it working.
On top of all that, even assuming all four are capable of becoming bona fide fetuses, how much of that chance do I lose by freezing a couple of them? I know that a fresh cycle is a lot more likely to succeed than an FET. So what if we just transfer two, it doesn’t work, and then the FET on the other two doesn’t work because they didn’t do well with the freeze/thaw process?
And I would like twins. Yes, yes, I’m sure that if I actually have twins a year or two from now I’ll be wondering how it was possible that I ever wanted twins. I know they’d be so hard to care for as babies. But I want more than one child, and twins are my only shot at that. We put back four, there’s a higher likelihood of twins.
BUT, on the other hand:
Triplets? Quads? Reduction? Two and a half years ago, when we did our first IVF, when J and I decided to put back three embryos, we agreed that we would somehow try to survive triplets. Now I just think that’s out-of-the-question insanity. No way am I up to carrying trips, and no way am I up to caring for three babies at once.
So if we got incredibly “lucky,” we’d be looking at reduction. I haven’t Googled this process (too scary), but it sounds REALLY dangerous to the remaining fetuses. I imagine the odds of losing the whole pregnancy, or inducing pregnancy complications, are really high. What a fucking nightmare.
The other option is to put back three and freeze the one. But this sucks, too. Does this mean, if this cycle doesn’t work, that I’d have to go through a whole FET for just one embryo? (So suggests my shared risk contract.) Or could I do another fresh cycle and combine whatever frozen leftovers I have for a later FET? No idea.
This decision sucks. Maybe worse than any decision I’ve had to make. If I don’t put all four back, I’m going to spend the next two weeks freaking out that I’ve made the wrong decision. And if I do put them all back, I’m going to spend the next two weeks freaking out that I’ve made the wrong decision, and then another several weeks (assuming positive beta) wondering how many are brewing in there.
I’m almost hoping that one of them died last night. Which is just so, so wrong.