Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Less is More?

Unfortunately, the fog that is clouding my brain this week is blocking my ability to write—both in my blog and in my job. My fingers feel clumsy and words slosh around in my brain willy-nilly. Which of course makes me stressed out about not getting good work done while deadlines loom. In short, I’m a mess.

Here’s the skinny: this cycle is all about making high-quality eggs. Which is why my RE put me on the lupron. So I’m making fewer eggs. And I am trying really hard to be positive about this, but it’s scary having a twice-as-hard cycle for half-as-many eggs. It looks like I’m going to end up with between 5 and 7 eggs. Back in my heyday (and I so like the idea of an IVF heyday) I used to produce 11-13 eggs.

Then again (I keep telling myself), none of those 13 eggs turned into a baby, did it? I actually really like and trust my RE, so we’re probably on the right track. But no one can look at a sono and say “Hey, those are some great-quality eggs you’re growing in there!” And when what you hear is “only two on the left ovary,” and “they’re growing, but slowly,” it’s hard to feel like you’re doing a really good job.

My ovaries hurt. My lower back hurts. All I want to do is sleep, but I’m getting even less sleep due to the repeated early-morning trips to the RE for bloodwork and sonos.

Sometimes I think that this definitely is going to work. We’ve come so close so many times, even with J’s lackluster sperm. How could this NOT work with supercharge, high-test, commercial sperm? Right?

But I know that the odds are still 50-50 at best. And when I think of what the next three weeks may bring, all I can feel is tired.


annacyclopedia said...

Oh, sweetie. So hard to trust in the process without driving ourselves insane with all the questions, isn't it? I physically hurt just thinking about what you are going through right now. It is just so damn hard.

Holding hope for you and sending you all my peaceful and calm energy.

Malloryn said...

I really really hope that this time works out for you guys. It sounds like the RE has a good plan. I'm sending lots of good vibes your way.

kate said...

If I could send you peace of mind, I would. I know (and you know) that you are doing everything in your power to bring home a baby. You've got an RE who is 100% committed, you've got the fancy sperm, you've got a body that has proven it can at least *get* pregnant, so maybe this is the cycle that does it for you. 50-50 is way better than 0, right?

Lorraine said...

Quality trumps quantity in the end - focus on good eggs and that professional sperm! Sounds like things are going really well, actually!

Shinejil said...

When something's let you down and kicked you to the curb over and over, trusting is an uphill struggle. But for once, an RE has a real plan, one that seems thoughtful and appropriate.

I've got all digits crossed that quality comes to the fore and makes for some fabulous embies.