Wednesday, May 28, 2008

And So We Wait

Beta came in at 36. Not small enough to be considered a "negative," but not high enough to give me any measure of relief. My nurse says that women certainly start out with this kind of number and then it goes up and they have babies, but . . . .

And that's just it. She knows as well as I do that my track record isn't good here. Maybe this is a living pregnancy, maybe it's doomed. No way to know.

And so we wait until Friday. If it does't double, especially given my history, it's pretty much over.

This is just awful. You know that moment you wait for, the moment when you learn you're pregnant, and you get that warm rush, that giddy feeling, when you feel like you could shout the words "I'm pregnant!" from the rooftops? Yet another thing I've been robbed of.

Thanks for all the nice comments. If anyone has some good stories about low betas, feel free to share. Or just make them up. Anything to get me through the next two days.

26 comments:

Io said...

Googlereader strikes again...
I wish I had something good to tell you, like I am omnipotent and know that it will all work out and Friday will be fantastic. But my all-knowing-ness doesn't seem to be working. Damnit.
I am here for you if you need anything. ANYTHING. I hope the next two days go quickly.

Dreamer4agift said...

You're in my thoughts for these 2 days to pass quickly and have a good outcome. ((hugs))

Sue said...

I will be sending positive thoughts your way for the next two days. Hang in there.

Ms. J said...

There are a crapload of blogs out there that started as low betas and turned into full-fledge babies.

I can't imagine how tough this is.

We're here for ya, no matter what the outcome.

kate said...

One time, there was this woman who had a beta of 1, but then she had a baby!

Er, okay. That was a really bad made up story. But really, I'm just trying to say whatever I can that might help. If a made up story will do it for you, then I'll try that.

I am sorry though, that your moment has been taken away from you. I've had moments taken away, too, and it just sucks (mine was less intense, probably- my husband and I eloped because I got fired and needed coverage, but then we had our already planned public ceremony thingy anyway. I totally lost that moment of standing in front of everyone you cherish and declaring that this- THIS- is the one, and all because some fucking bitch fired me. Bastards).

Anyway, I'll be waiting with you 'til friday.

beautycourage said...

Argh! Hang in there. I've never been in the beta-hell, so I don't have any stories- but I know there are many women out there who have had low numbers who have gone on to have a healthy pregnancy.

Good luck with the distractions over the next 48 hours. I'm wishing for the best for you.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm wishing I had magical omnipotent powers, too. Instead, I'll just remind you that you're in my thoughts and prayers, and that I'm here for you, too. I'm sorry you've had the moment taken away from you - I think all of us here understand that, even though the things we've had taken away might be different. Hang in there - we're all here, holding your hands from very far away.

peesticksandstones said...

Dammit! I totally know what you're talking about -- and admit that my biggest, most #1 fantasy now is to simply just have one of those high betas Other People always seem to get. The kind where everyone's all squealing and wondering... is it twins? Oh my god, not triplets?! Yep, the low beta situation is insanely cruel.

But you do know this is super-early, and things are unfolding day by day here. There really is no telling. And yes, there are heaps of babies that come from betas like that. Think of all the people out there who never even have betas and then have babies -- I always wonder what their levels would've been so early on.

Blah, blah -- none of this helps. Just please know I'm thinking of you and hoping Friday provides more clarification and very good news. Hang in there! Here, have a glass of invisible wine with me.

Malloryn said...

I'm sending you positive vibes as well. I hope these days pass quickly. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

kcmarie122 said...

Sorry the news wasn't as great as you hoped. It sucks that what should have been your happy moment was...well, not.

But I am thinking of and praying for you that Friday's numbers will be so great that you will not be in doubt anymore!

Shinejil said...

Nancy went through something similar this FET cycle, and she just had a great u/s. Her blogs on my blogroll...

May you get excellent news tomorrow.

The Town Criers said...

I'm just sending good thoughts and a hug and a whisper of congratulations.

Working Girl said...

I have my fingers, arms, legs and anything else I can think of crossed for you!!! Good luck with the second BETA!!!!

Searching said...

You are in my thoughts!

tigerjen77 said...

My beta at 12dpiui was 36. It continued to go up. I am now 11 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Ultrasound earlier this week showed baby is doing wonderful!

36 can be a great number!!

Don't give up hope!

http://tigerjen77.wordpress.com/

Joonie said...

I'm hoping and waiting right along with you.

Yoka said...

I am so sorry you didn't get a big fat positive. Your number is low, but it is still early. I really hope it works out. You are in my thoughts.

Barb said...

I have no experiences to share, but am sending support..

Jen said...

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping this takes a turn for the best.

Kim said...

Just popping in from the L&F.

I'm not sure where you are ... but at 12dpiui, my first beta was 30 exactly. At 14dpiui, it was 60 exactly. Fun, eh? At 20dpiui, it should have been 480 if it kept doubling exactly. And it was 1100.

So miracles can happen.

Michell said...

Sorry about the beta hell. I hope that tomorrows news is great and that number goes up lots.

Io said...

Good luck today sweetie.

seriously? said...

Good luck with the beta. I am thinking of you.

Ms Heathen said...

Just to let you know that I am thinking of you.

I am so sorry that you are not able to relax and enjoy this moment, but are having to go through a further agonising wait. I am hoping with all my heart that your next beta brings good news.

Liza said...

My first beta was a 15 at 10dpo. Sitting next to me right now is my 6 month old. It really does happen!Many blessings to you.

carrie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.