Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I Hate EVERYONE.

People I hate:

The dental assistant who fitted me for the wrong kind of mouth guard yesterday, who had to call me today and tell me to take another hour and a half out of my life to come get fitted again. (Though she kindly told me they “wouldn’t charge me” for the second office visit. She’s very lucky she got my voice mail—I don’t think she would have liked my response.)

The guy on the Metro this evening who made me practically crawl around him to get to the only open spot, then stood there leaning against the only pole within reach. And when I did grab on, wedging my fingers in between the pole and his back, he didn’t budge. I did my best to twist my knuckles into him, shifting them occasionally for maximum effect. When he looked back at me, I gave him one of those “you wanna try me?” looks. You know the one: slightly raised eyebrows, bland expression. The worst part was, this asshole was a Metro employee, neon orange vest and all. I was incensed. I even thought about writing Metro to complain.

The lady that got onto the escalator on the left side, in front of me, but didn’t walk up. (We DC commuters can get a bit militant about these things.)

Whoever it was that peed in the Metro station under my office two weeks ago, making it smell so pungent I want to hurl every time I go down there. (DC Metro is cleaner than most city subways, so I’m not used to this. Ugh.)

The guy in front of me at the metal detector this morning, who didn’t seem to realize that “metal detector” means that all METAL needs to come out of his pockets. It took him three tries to get it right. Where do these people come from? I go through two to three metal detectors a day. How is it this guy has never experienced even one?

The guy in the office next to mine who freaks out every time I call the building manager to complain that it’s so cold that I’m getting frostbite. It’s 80 degrees outside, and I need gloves in my office. (And when it’s hot, this guy always comes in and asks to borrow my second fan. Even when I have explicitly told him that I did not want to lend it to him any more, because then when it gets hotter in the afternoon and I want two fans––which is my god-given right because they are both MINE––I feel bad about taking it back, and that I would not lend it to him anymore, and that he really needs to buy his own fan. Seriously, this guy borrowed my fan again last week, after a winter of fighting with me over it. Who the fuck does he think he is? Any normal person would be embarrassed to even think about it, let alone try it again. Sheesh, the government is full of freaks.) I spent the day huddled under two sweaters with my space heater mucking up the air, cursing his name. Asshole.

My husband, for not being here to make me less crazy. (And who, when he’s here, I sometimes want to kill because I am so crazy.)

Those too-rabid Red Sox fans who bought all the tickets (translation: all the tickets under $45) to the Red Sox / Orioles game at Camden Yards on the day I had planned to go see my beloved Sox. Creeps.

My across-the-street neighbor, who has a perfect lawn, while I seem capable of growing only clover, dandelions, and some prickly abomination that literally spits seeds up in the air if you so much as breathe on it (that fucking weed is too clever by half—how am I supposed to fight that?).

The writers of Grey’s Anatomy, who have ruined an incredibly soothing soapy-but-my-husband-will-still-watch-it show in the course of just one season.

My mother-in-law, who, when I went to visit on Mother’s Day, promptly asked me for my sister’s e-mail address so she could send her a Mother’s Day e-card.

The guy who invented estrogen (in pill form, I know a GUY didn’t invent the actual hormone), and then progesterone, and then thought it would be fun to put the two together and stick them in a 36-year-old, just to see what would happen.

Oh, and pregnant women. Every one of them.

So? Anyone else out there grooving on their own hormone-cocktail? Who do YOU hate?

14 comments:

kate said...

Heh. Awesome.

Your dental assistant would get a motherfucking earful from me- NO, WOMAN, YOUUUUUU are now going to pay MEEEEEE for the lost wages, transportation costs, and PAIIIIN and SUFFERIIIIING that I have had to endure due to your office's COMPLETE MOTHERFUCKING INCOMPETENCE!!!! GARRRR.

Assholes with no sense of personal space should just stay the fuck home. Really.

Assholes with no sense of how to operate in a modern society without causing major massive holdups should just stay the fuck home. Really.

Assholes with no sense of mine vs yours appropriateness should just stay the fuck home. Really.

The whole world should just step the fuck aside and let you go to your damned baseball game. Seriously!

And man, my yard is all clover and greeny weeds, except where I've dug out the green and put in random plants. For as much as I like to garden, you think I might give a flying shit about my grass, but I totally don't, at all.

Mother-in-laws fucking bite the big one.

And as far as the slow estrogen/progesterone poisoning being delivered in pill form? MAN. I'm right there with you. While I am usually all sweetness and light with an aura of fluffy cuddle, in the last few days, the sourness and sharpness has been less and less easy to hide.

So. There is all my hormonalness laid out for you. I am irate for you, because apparently, I have not yet expended my daily irateness on my own irritations in life. So.

Here's hoping I get the fuck over myself soon.

Ms. J said...

OMG, I can't believe I didn't remember that you are in the DC Metro area . . . and I am in D.C. right now!!!

Seriously, I am!!! Hmmmm?!?!

I was even on the Metro yesterday and again today (it's not as bad as people think, though I still find it difficult to figure out where the phuck I am going).

I will be on Capitol Hill all day tomorrow for meetings with 3 members of Congress (2 are in Cannon, and 1 in Longworth).

OMG!!!

peesticksandstones said...

Oh boy, yes. I swear my estrogen/steroid combo is going get me committed (or arrested). I really do feel this odd mix of super-sappy weepy and yet also within a hair of totally screaming and going crazy on someone.
At least when I add in the progesterone shots I'll probably turn into a half-asleep zombie, and not as much of a danger to anyone.

I wish I didn't, but I can't help hating anyone pushing a stroller (though in NYC, at least half those people are probably actually nannies). Or pregnant women with a couple kids hanging off them already -- even more so when they're on a cellphone. Also I hate dads with Baby Bjorns so the kid dangles off them like a big necklace. And don't get me started on the anorexic, had-a-baby-3-months ago but still at least 70 lbs skinnier than I'll ever be power gals at my gym complaining about their "fat" bodies.

Grey's makes me sad, too -- I miss how it used to be. McDreamy and McSteamy don't even do it for me anymore.

Thanks, by the way, for your awesome comment on my blog the other day. It really made my day.

Hang in there!

Ms. J said...

Hey There!

I understand you can't get-together -- it was a longshot & last-minute. I will be back here in January, February, and May of 2009 so perhaps then ;o)

I successfully navigated the metro again this afternoon, from the Cannon Bldg back to Metro Center, then changed to Shady Grove line for my Dupont Circle stop. I am seriously "geographically challenged" so this is a major victory for me.

Thanks for your support on my rough evening . . . our nursery is in colors of bright blue, bright green, and a pale mint green. The curtains have a hippo pattern on them. The furniture is white and from IKEA (I didn't want white furniture exactly, but it brightens up the room and looks great with such bright paint colors). I will post some photos, soon!

I have been reading a book on toddler adoption, and despite the obvious bonding/attachment challenges, I am now, instead of being sad on missing out on the infant stuff, actually eager to be able to do the "playing" with our pending toddler. We will be treated to those smiles and giggles waaaaay earlier because of how old she is. So it's been good to "let go" of some of those infant pangs, for me.

OMG, I am in my hotel roon watching the news, and at 11 p.m. tonight NBC Channel 4 news (I guess that's what it is called in DC market) is having a report on "black market fertility drugs" -- women buying them, and newly pregnant women selling them. Hey, I have about $500 worth of perfectly good and unused Ganirelix [sp?] I'd like to unload!!!

I didn't know your transfer was tomorrow?! I will be keeping a good thought for you. If you want to email/IM privately, let me know.

Deep breaths . . . for both of us.

Jen said...

Ohhh...I love it!

I hate everyone, too!!

Let's see...

I hate the stupid assholes in the grocery store who have a reunion in the middle of the aisle and are totally put out when you ask them to MOVE OVER!

I hate the guy in the 1987 Jimmy who cut me off in rush hour traffic, then got in the lane beside me and decided to yell at ME for, I don't know? Being in HIS lane when he wanted to be there? Then he flipped me off and called me a bitch. And I yelled back, "HEY DOUCHEBAG - 1987 called and wants its shitty Jimmy back!"

I hate the lady that works in my building who puts on her tennis shoes and walks in a circle around the lobby. If that bitch bumps into me one more time, I am going to slash the tires on her car. I don't care if it's a hybrid.

I hate my neighbor who has a shed in his yard that looks like a place where a kidnapper would stash runaways. I mean seriously, don't move to a nice neighborhood then junk it up. And also? Stop using you tractor EVERY DAY. It is loud, and I hate you and it. Please move.



I have so many more, but feel like I should stop, because I'm sounding bat shit crazy here...

Ms Heathen said...

Top of my list of people to hate would be anyone who feels compelled to offer unsolicited assvice on the topic of my infertility - i.e. all those who tell me to 'just relax' or who know someone who knows someone else who has had IVF, and as a result think that they somehow understand what I'm going through.

I've been thinking about you a lot over the past couple of weeks, and feel that you could do with some extra TLC. I have a pink rose for you. Do stop by my blog and check it out.

Shinejil said...

Hey, I hate pregnant ladies, too! Whenever I see some clueless woman with a bump, I silently say, I hate you bitch. It makes me feel so much better, somehow. For a few seconds, at least.

Portraits In Sepia said...

Hi there,
Today I don't hate anyone but I do hate some "things".
I hate feeling like I am being fucked in the ass against my will by oil companies everytime I buy gas for my car. Gas prices have me really pissed these days.
I hate that this city doesn't have another form of decent transportation...like a subway or light rail or at least a decent and safe bike path between my house and work.
Fortunately I am not around pregnant women or women with babies alot these days and that's a good thing. Otherwise this list would be longer.

Io said...

Hey. I will join you in hating. Although being tipsy on wine mkes it muy difficult to put on a hard face and keep it there. So i will hate in a slackfaced manner,

The Town Criers said...

Oh, I am such a Washingtonian because I too flip out like a ninja when people don't get the stand-right rule.

I know it's such a small thing but it grates on me to no end when someone is staring off into space and I am raring to go behind them and I can't walk.

Barb said...

Hi! Nice to have you stop by too!

Love this post. I LOVE DC. My uncle lives in N.VA, and my Dad lived there for years. I did one of my internships in the city, and one in the outskirts. I love the metro as well, but have faced many similar problems to what you describe. ;-) And I know all too well the bland, eyebrow raised "Wanna try me?" expression. I use it frequently. I'm becoming a bitch in my old age. ;-)

I read your little blurb about you too. I feel very very much the way you do about adoption vs. conception. I'm starting to understand just how difficult it is and not knowing if I can go through that all over again... the rejection, difficulty etc. Stupid body.

We have a lot in common. Two of my favorite books are Ender's Game and Outlander. I'm eagerly awaiting the next Outlander book.

I miss DC lots. Give it a wave for me. ;-)

B

La La said...

LOL, and you know what's really strange? You don't stop hating pregnant women even after you get pregnant yourself. At least I didn't. It's a bit easier to swallow, I guess, but whenever I hear about someone getting pregnant easily on their own (particularly if it's their second, third, fourth child...) I want to HURL. UGH, after everything we go through...::sigh::

Hope you have a better day.

Barb said...

Thank you so very much for your very kind and very well thought out response to my blog post. It made me feel good.

Thanks again.

Jaded Girl said...

too funny. i hate all pregnant women. again. even though just a few weeks ago i was one of them. again.

no matter what side of the fence you are on...it's just not easy.