Thursday, April 10, 2008

Fat and Lonely

I am having a horrible week. Just when it seemed that things were going fine, and we had reason to be fairly hopeful, I’ve hit a pit of depression.

First, I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but I just can’t stop eating. I have to pay pretty close attention to my diet (though I hate the word “diet” because that’s not what I do) to keep myself at a reasonable (i.e. not embarrassing) weight. By being careful and smart (mostly cutting out non-veggie carbs), I managed to lose about 20 pounds in 2007, working my way back into a size 14. Not amazing, but definitely passable. Mind you, I carry ALL of my fat on my belly, making me look—you guessed it—pregnant. In fact, before I lost the 20 pounds, I had several people ask me if I was pregnant. (The only thing worse that being asked if you’re pregnant when you’re not is being asked if you’re pregnant when you’re being slapped the face with the discovery of your increasingly serious infertility.) So gaining weight again is BAD, because it gives me back that horrible baby-bump-without-a-baby.

I think I’ve easily gained 10 pounds in the past two weeks. Not that I’ve weighed myself, because I do that at the gym, which I’m not allowed to go to. But I could tell when I was bloated, and I can tell that most of the water bloating is gone—this is just fat. Which sucks, and makes me feel like crap. And yet I keep eating. I’m just carb-crazed. When I stop I’m starving. And then something happens and I start to cry. And then I start eating again just to stop crying.

Second, I’m feeling horribly depressed and alone. J is a theatrical lighting designer, and he works a lot of nights. And weekends. As in pretty much any time I might have a chance of seeing him or talking to him. This has been going on for more than ten years, and usually it’s not that much of a biggie. But sometimes, like now, when he goes week after week without being home for dinner much than a smattering of times, it really starts to get to me. He’s been gone most of March, and pretty much all of April so far. I see him in the morning when I wake him up to give me a ride to the train station. And I talk to him on the phone a few times throughout the day. But that’s really it—mostly it’s just me, home alone, cooking for myself, doing all the dishes, then just going to bed early because I’m so damn bored.

So this morning, as I was getting my 3 minutes of J-time on the way to the train station, I asked whether he’d be done with his show on Friday. “Not likely,” he said. “But you’ll be home this weekend?” He told me he’d be home on Saturday, but would be starting on a new show on Sunday. Then he proceeded to describe the next three weeks, in which he’ll be home maybe three nights. Then I proceeded to get really upset, but it’s not like we can talk, because I have to get on the fucking train and go to work.

There’s nothing he can do about this. He’s barely eking out a living as it is—he HAS to work these hours if he’s going to work at all. And he booked these gigs long before we knew how our IVF cycle would go. Hell, I feel lucky he was around the day of retrieval so he could donate sperm and give me a ride home. There’s no way he can just stay home because I happen to be hormonal and horribly depressed. Truth is, once he’s booked, he can’t bail out for ANY reason. There’s no one to cover for him.

But the bottom line is that I’m miserable. Lonely and bored and stressed out and freaked out and fucking miserable. When J’s home he’s like a giant sponge, those moods can come off me and he just absorbs them. He’s the ultimate neutralizer. But when I’m home alone all those moods just bounce off the walls and come right back at me. It’s awful.

And it gets worse. Because for the last three days all I’ve been able to think about is how much more miserable I’m going to be when I’m home alone with a baby and no one to help me out. At least right now the workload is manageable. But with a kid? (Or, god forbid, TWO?) And me with a bad back and bad shoulders, after a full day of work, trying to handle it all on my own?

Two days ago, after being unable to shake these feelings of doom, I told J I needed to tell him about my most recent paranoia so maybe I’d start feeling better about it. “I’m just scared that we’re actually going to end up having a baby and I’m going to be all on my own and I’m not going to be able to deal with it and I’m going to hate you for it,” I said all in one breath.

Silence. Then, “Oh, I thought you were going to tell me about an unfounded fear,” he said.

This did NOT make me feel better. Then he tried to help. “Listen, it’s not so bad. I’m home almost all of February, and August.”

This made me feel even worse.

He knows I’m upset with his schedule. He really can’t do anything about it. But I’m also kind of mad that he’s not even trying to make me feel better about it. Doesn’t he know I’m a giant, fat, crazy, hormonal, technically-pregnant-with-triplets mess? Doesn’t he know that I need comfort? Would it kill him to pander to me a bit?

Sigh. Super crappy week. Fat, lonely, depressed. And did I mention my back is killing me? Oh, and my new haircut isn’t working out––my bangs look stringy and the color is fading way too soon and I just had it done a week ago. And I did taxes and we owe a shitload of money (close to $4K), so all of the nice things I was going to do for myself have to be ditched. And my skin is breaking out. And Mike Lowell just went on the disabled list. And my 100 red tulips that came up beautifully last year apparently decided one year was enough; only ONE has come back this spring.

Did I mention that I’m cranky?

This was a horrible whiney post, so I’m attaching a cute kitten picture in a desperate effort to cling to my readers. See how big he's getting? (He's showing off his newfound length in this shot. And no, he never did slide all the way down. Amazing.)


kate said...

Oh, CUUUUTE. Kitty-witty is SO FRICKIN CUTE.

And, god, I SO feel for you with the weight, and the hungriness and the struggles and, AH. I just, well, I feel for you.

I've been having some real struggles with my husband this week as well. With the surgery, I really needed him to step up and be a big boy. You know, think! THINK, and make reasonable decisions, and be here when he says he's gonna be here. I mean, I have been totally dependent on him this week and it's exhausting when I have to tell him every single fucking detail of every single fucking step of every single fucking task... as in, t"urn left here, but don't get into the far left lane. When you turn, stay in the right lane. NO, STAY WHERE YOU ARE, but AFTER you turn get in the right lane. Now, pull up in front of the building. Stop here. NO, STOP. STOP! STOP HERE!!!! STOOOOOOP. NOOOOW. JESUS. Just let me out of the car, and I'll do it myself, damnit."

I guess I'm just saying that I get it. All of it, and I totally feel for you. I'm tired and hurt and I just need someone to take care of me sometimes, and I will never, ever get this from my husband, ever. His heart is in the right place and his intent is good, but he's just so BAD at all of it, you know? I mean, I have to TELL him that I am more important than his students and that he needs to cancel his office hour because I need him to PICK ME UP FROM THE FUCKING HOSPITAL. Geez!!!

Feh. I get it. I so get it.

the Babychaser: said...

Kate, your comment made me giggle, which felt really good after being stuck inside my whiney weepy self all evening.

I also need to note for all out there rooting for my embryos, please take care not to root for ALL THREE AT ONCE. I worry about the power of your well-wishing.

peesticksandstones said...

Dang, I am so sorry you're stuck in this crappy-ass groove right now. I've been in MANY of these myself. It is completely understandable.

Cut yourself some big-time slack. This is some major stuff you're going through right now, and you and your poor body are doing all they can. I noticed, too, that not being able to get exercise because of all that cycling stuff really messed with my mental health -- made anxiety and depression build up more than ever.

Wishing you, your husband, your kitty and your embryos well right now during this challenging time!

Rebeccah said...

I SO get your "Everything Sucks and the world might fall in on top of that" mood. But do be a bit kind to yourself if you're able. Hormones + cycling = no chance for exercise = many of us gain weight and get despondent when we'd rather be feeling hopeful. When I'm in deep dark despair, I sometimes watch really bad "I'm so embarrassed that I'm watching this, god I hope no one catches me right now because I'd die of humiliation" TV. That usually helps me forget how miserable I am, at least momentarily. I'll try to keep my embryo-cheering to a dull roar, and hope that you feel better soon!

beautycourage said...

I can completely relate to this, as well. UGH!!! The food cravings, the body image depression, the tears, the loneliness, the boredom, the fears (rational and not-so rational). I agree with the others, my advice would be to treat yourself gently during this time, don't be too hard on yourself. As for the weight, given how well you did last year, you KNOW you can lose it if you wanted to, after this cycle (but hopefully you won't need to, right?). My favorite distraction is page-turner (lighthearted) books. Let me know if you need any recs!
Also, thank you so much for checking in on my blog this month. I think the worst is behind me... -Dot

Shinejil said...

Tulips suck! So often, BChaser, they are basically annuals. So it's them, not you. I've had more luck with species tulips, which aren't as flashy, but are a bit tougher.

And you'll lose that weight. You will. Just get through these next few weeks. That's all you've got to do. We're all here for you, and we couldn't give a flying rat's ass how fat you are. :)

I completely hear your fears about having to take care of a child/ren all alone, or on top of an already packed life. That haunts me still: Will I become a boring Mommybot? Will I have any life outside of cleaning up after my man and his spawn?

I'm hoping and praying for the strongest, smartest, most beautiful of all your embies to make her/himself at home.

2roads said...

I can't tell you how I screamed all of that same post in my head and wondered, is it just ME?? I realize now, and hope you do, that you are not alone. We're all rooting for you and know exactly how you feel. Everyone is right, just get through the next couple of weeks. Be kind to yourself. You are doing something amazingly courageous right now. The sun will break through those clouds soon and your mood will rebound along with your body. Hang in there.

Io said...

I'm sorry I am so late in commenting - and everyone else wrote these fantastic long sweet comments. All I have time to say is that it *will* get better, I will not use my incredible mind powers to get you triplets, but we will aim for a baby, and that I wish I could give you a big hug and just tell you that everything will be all right. Oh, and your kitty is still freaking cute as all hell.

Working Girl said...

I lost a ton of weight after IVF #1 failed. I thought at the time I had just found some motivation. It turned out to be grief.

After my M/C, all I wanted was a cheeseburger deluxe and peanut butter souffle with chocolate sauce. If ever I needed comfort food it was after the M/C!

Alot of your fears, worries, and concerns are being fueled by the horrormones and the potential upheaval of your life. You are normal for questioning yourself and J and how life will be different!!! I guess it's the darker side of nesting!!!

Alyssa said...

I love your kitty. LOVE HIM!

And for the rest of your post? I'm sorry you're in this yucky place right now. I completely understand about the eating and the depression and the weight cycle-you're speaking my language. And I also understand your fears about what will happen when you have your children. It is daunting and scary to think of it all at once. will be okay. You will breathe deeply and take it one day at a time and it will all be okay. Will you have rough patches? Yup. Will it be hard at times? Of course. But that's true of life right now, too. You are an amazing woman and you'll be fine.

Just know you're in my thoughts. I hope your weekend brings some sunshine your way.

Ms. J said...

We need a FRIDAY update from you . . . wanna (no, NEED) to know how you are doing?! Even if you need to vent and bitch and moan, we're here for ya, and we can take it -- so bring it on! We wuv ya, babe ;o)

Newt said...

Hey, I'm a couple days late, but I am sorry you've been feeling crappy. You can vent as much as you want, and I will still read, gladly. With or without pictures of that outrageously cute kitten.

Jen said...

How am I so late here?
God, I'm so sorry that you're going through all this shit right now. It just has to get better - just get through the next few weeks.
If I lived closer, I'd come over, and we could compare stomach rolls and eat an entire block of that refridgerated cookie dough.
Try to be good to yourself - you deserve it.

beautycourage said...

It's me again. Thank you so much for your comment on my post. It's funny, I had a similar conversation with someone this week about adoption, and it was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders- just by seeing this women's joy and contentment with her child. So who knows. It's just nice to know there are other options out there. Anyways, I hope your fog is lifting a bit, as well. Thinking of you this week! Hi to McNulty. -Dot

Malloryn said...

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Others have said it much more eloquently than I but... be kind to yourself. You IVF girls are so incredibly brave.

I hope that one of those three embryos is digging in for the long haul. We're all thinking about you and pulling for you!