Kind of Blue

It’s 4 p.m., and I haven’t heard from my RE yet today, and it’s somehow got me all weepy. Christ, I hate this shit.

It all started yesterday, when my good mood just evaporated. I was working from home, because it was the day after my retrieval, and I just got so tired and depressed I could barely function. I e-mailed my boss, told him I was taking sick leave for the rest of the day, and went off to bed to take a nap. Just as I was drifting off, I got a call from my RE with the fertilization report. Either 10 or 11 of the 13 fertilized. I’m thinking 10, but I’m not sure, because I was half asleep. Either way, it’s a fine number, so I don’t know why I was feeling so crappy about it.

I called J and told him the news, and he asked about 30 times if I was okay. I guess I sounded off, because I kept telling him I was fine. And I was. Just a little blue. Later in the day I talked to him about it and he said he’d been like that the day before, after he did his sperm thing. Like there’d been this 4-month buildup (not literally!) in which he cared for his body to get the best possible batch, and now he was done and didn’t know what to do with himself.

I guess I feel kind of the same way. We’ve made the embryos. Now they’re gonna live or they’re not. Not much else we can do about it. And it doesn’t help that we’ve never had any trouble getting to this point. It’s after this that things always start getting ugly.

So today I was feeling crappier than ever. I don’t know why, but day 3 after retrieval always hurts more than day 2. And today I really had to put in a full day of work (though still from home—my job is awesome). But I’ve also been waiting all day for the call from my RE. Obviously, I want to know the status of our embryos. But I also want to find out what the number was that I was too dense to remember yesterday. And I have some other questions, like how J’s sperm compared to last time, considering all the effort he’s put in this time.

The phones close at my RE’s office at 4:00, even though they’re often making calls until much later. But the embryo call usually comes in early afternoon. So at 3:50 I decide to call my nurse and make sure I get my call later. But they turned off the fucking phones EARLY! God, that really pisses me off. I left a message, but no one’s going to check it until tomorrow. So am I getting a call today? Have I just been forgotten?

Mind you, there’s nothing really critical about today’s call. I mean, if we were doing a 3-day transfer it would be tomorrow, and she’d definitely have called by now to schedule it. And we’ve always done a 5-day blast transfer, so I would have been shocked (and upset) to learn we had to go to a 3-day transfer this cycle.

But my goddamn hormones are fucking with me. For some ridiculous reason I feel totally rejected and hurt and disappointed. That daily call is all I get during this time. My only validation. So now I’m tense and weepy, instead of enjoying my evening alone. And I can’t take a xanax, or have a drink, or go work out, or do any of the things that might make me feel better. God, I’m cranky right now.

That’s my rant. I’ll let you know if I ever figure out how many embryos I have.

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Epilogue: Just got a call from my nurse. She hadn't gotten my message, so it was just dumb luck that she called. She was calling to schedule the transfer for Day 5, which is Monday. When I told her I hadn't heard from my RE, she transferred me all over. My RE swears she left me a long message today, and I believe her, because she's very good about such things, but I really have no messages--makes me wonder what poor unsuspecting soul has my message about my embryos?

Anyway, it is 11 embryos. Yay! And she says (this is Day 2, mind you) that they all look "beautiful." She'll have the sperm analysis and stuff for me tomorrow.

Still feel crappy. But now not so freaked out and crappy. Just crappy.