I had my transfer this morning, which went fine. Actually, it went better than any previous transfers, because I decided to drink less water, and start drinking later. This plan apparently was foiled, though, because I got lost in the shuffle and had to wait an extra half-hour for my transfer. My bladder was really starting to hurt, and when one of the nurses said she wasn't sure how much longer it would be, I asked if I could just pee a little bit? She said, "of course!," leading me to wonder why I've not tried this before.
Of course, when you desperately have to pee, peeing "a little bit" is both difficult and really uncomfortable. I probably peed about half my bladder out, because I just didn't want to stop. Then when I got back to my comfy chair they were ready for me! I was a little worried that my bladder wouldn't be full enough, but they said it was fine. The procedure still was unpleasant, but not nearly as painful as the last two. And when it was all over and I finally got to pee, I didn't have that residual discomfort. I felt great.
Then we came home and I tried to go back to bed. But J, who stayed up until 3 a.m. watching TV, also wanted to go back to bed. And I just can't nap while he's there. He wasn't even being loud, but I was fussy. Mostly though, I'm back on a crazy internal rant in which I just lie there and think how much I want to shake sense into him. Seriously, for two hours I lay there next to him thinking about all the things I really want to say to him. And almost all of it was about his weight gain.
Let me start this off with an acknowledgment: J is the best guy I've ever known. He's an absolute doll, and a wonderful husband.
So now into what was making me crazy. What set me off? Well, a few things. First, with the news that his sperm have shown ZERO improvement over the past 4 months, even with him going cold turkey on drinking and smoking, part of me is wondering if, hey, maybe being over 300 pounds has something to do with it? And then I remembered that I actually broke down and had a horrible conversation with him in NOVEMBER about this, in which I told him that he had to start living like a grownup rather than a college student (his job makes him live more the college-student type of lifestyle, but he could make some effort to fight that), and that he really needed to join Weight Watchers or something where someone OTHER THAN ME was telling him what to eat. Because his weight just isn't safe anymore, and I worry about his heart and his health. And he agreed to all of this. He even worked out on the treadmill for a couple of weeks. Then nothing. And recently it's even worse--he's telling me every day "oh, I didn't get lunch, but they had pizza in the break room so I had that." AARRGGHH.
But what really set me off is the fact that *I* am a little food-needy right now. My hormones are all fucked up, and I'm having cravings like crazy, and I'm trying to be good but the truth is I deserve to slack off a little. And I know that *I* will lose the weight again if I don't end up preggers. I have in the past and will in the future. (I'm not thin and never will be. But I'm at a reasonably healthy weight.) But if I'm feeling tired and hormonal and I don't want to cook and we get a pizza, he's not only eating half the fucking thing, he also orders a box of mozzerella sticks that he devours. Then this morning, when we went to IHOP for breakfast post-transfer, I deliberately left two of the five strips of bacon they gave me on my plate. Why? Because I don't need to be eating that much bacon! Not healthy. So J sees them and snatches them up like a starving man. What am I supposed to say? I don't want to be a nagging wife. I don't want to berate him. I certainly don't want him to start resenting me. What if he started hating himself? I could never live with that.
See? After two hours of shouting at him in my head I just had to stop trying to nap and just get up and watch TV. Christ, I'm tired of being crazy.
Oh, final numbers: 5 blasts (three inside me right now), 2 pre-blasts that might make it to freeze (probably not, if history means anything), and a few more that are on their way out. We've never had any to freeze before. If we do, I hope it's a decent batch. I'd hate to blow $2K on a freeze and then have to decide whether it's worth another $6K to do an unlikely-to-succeed FET, rather than just cut our losses and join shared risk right away.