Saturday, August 23, 2008

Rock Bottom

I just got out of the shower. One of those showers where you sit on the floor of the tub sobbing for 20 minutes (because god knows you can’t take a real bath and cook those embryos).

I tested today. Big fucking negative. It’s a bit early, I know (9dp3dt), but let’s face it, not so early that it isn’t a reasonable predictor of my imminent failure. And my most reliable symptoms (primarily breast tenderness) are fading away. Just like my embryos.

I wish my heart would just break for good and get it over with. How can I just keep hurting like this, over and over again, year after year? How can I take this much pain? At least when a loved one dies you eventually get past it, right? I don’t know how much more of this I can take. But I don’t see how stopping will make it hurt any less.

I feel so trapped. I wish I could somehow escape this nightmare, run away and find a new life and a new body and a new me. I wish I were 15 years younger, thin and sexy and healthy and falling in love, with my whole future full of dreams and possibilities in front of me.

I wish I could just stop caring.

I wish money weren’t such a big part of this.

I wish I were someone else.

34 comments:

Ally said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I had better words. Sending you huge hugs right now.

Nikki said...

Hi - you don't know me, but I've been lurking and reading your blog for a while. Your post today made me de-lurk and say something to you. I'm so so sorry you're feeling low. It is still early, and I hope for that miracle for you in the next couple of days - maybe you just have a late implanter. Just wanted to send you some good wishes, that's all. Good luck - I have my fingers crossed for you.

beautycourage said...

Rock bottom. Dear Babychaser, that is a very well titled post. I got tears in my eyes thinking of you sitting on the floor of your shower, crying. All I can say is that you are not alone in how you are feeling today. Enough is enough for one person, for one family, for one set of hopes and dreams. (Of course, I might add that I think 9d is early to test, but I don't want to belittle the authenticity of what you are feeling.)
The only other thing I can think of to write, and given that you have been here before I know you already know this, is that I hope you can give yourself some time, to heal and rest and pamper yourself and your husband. If you are like me, the next step will become clear with some time. This is not a dead-end path that we're on. Splurge on a good dessert tonight, OK? -Dot

Jill said...

I have no words. I am so sorry you're having such a terrible time.

Newt said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I had something better to say, but I wanted you to know I'm hear, and I'm reading, and my heart breaks for you.

CJ said...

I wish I could just stop caring. I wish money weren’t such a big part of this. I wish I were someone else.

I can totally relate - I have had this feeling more often than I care to think about. Please know that someone is thinking about you - and sending prayers, hugs and good thoughts your way.

Mrs.X said...

Oh honey. I know how heartbroken and frustrated you feel and if I could, I would take it all away. You are right to have these feelings and frustration. But, you know what comes from rock bottom? You can't go any further down. You get to come back up again for air.

And, when you do please consider taking a few months off to heal. You haven't had a break since February - that's a long time to be doing this. Peace is what you need and I hope that a break will give you that peace.

Above all, though, I'm giving you a big hug. Life throws some doozies and you've had more than your share of curve balls.

Sophia said...

hi been lurking for a while. i know this shower I had it in February 2007 when IVF #2 failed. I know this pain and it sucks big hairy monkey balls. Hope you find healing.

Nycphoenix
www.nycphoenix.wordpress.com

erin said...

Have been following your blog and I also thought I would step out and et you know that there are others out here hurting for you. One minute at a time is sometimes the only way~

Io said...

Fuck. I hope it's early. But I know you are feeling like you know it's over. And anything I say is inadequate. It sucks and it's not fair.
If I could come sit with you and we could drink tea while we sat on the couch and made inappropriate jokes while we laughed and cried I would do it in a heartbeat.

K77 said...

I'm sorry. I hope its still too early.

annacyclopedia said...

Sweetie, I have no magic words, but I'm here for you, abiding with you, and keeping you in my heart. I wish you didn't have to hurt like this.

Pepper said...

This IF stuff is such utter hell. It affects everything about your life and there isn't anything easy about it.

Wishing you peace and healing and sending big hugs.

Lisa said...

I am so very sorry you are feeling so down. Many hugs coming you're way. I hope you have reason to be happy in the next couple of days!

peesticksandstones said...

Oh Babychaser, I wish I could give you the world's biggest hug right now. I have soooo been in a very similar place many times over the past couple of years. Although my favorite place for those gut-wrenching, bottom-of-my-soul cries seems to be crouched in my closet for some reason.

Just hang in there, lady. Be very, very gentle with yourself. One day at a time...

Ms. J said...

I wish I could come there right now & get plastered with you. Those feelings are VERY real & well-deserved . . . I remember mu cousin wisely saying to me: There Is No Trophy Given For How Much Grief A Couple Can Endure.

I know there is ultimately nothing anybody can say to make it better, no magic wand to wave it all away and give you the life you deserve. But there are lots of us out here who acknowledge and honor your feelings, and we will keep on doing so.

HUGS.

Ms Heathen said...

Oh Babychaser. The rawness of this post just took my breath away. Right now I wish that there was something more I could do or say that would somehow make this terrible pain easier for you to bear.

I'm sorry. Not only for the negative pee stick, but for everything you have already gone through. None of it is fair. None of it.

Please know that you are not alone. We are all here for you, wishing you strength and sending you healing thoughts.

Barb said...

I wish too. Lots of hugs. Please do something good for you.

La La said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. I wish I had the magical words that would make you feel all better, but I've been there many times myself and I know that there is just nothing anyone can say or do at this point.

Just remember, I had realllly late implaters and I didn't get my BFP until CD 27 (and I was pregnant with triplets)...so you just never know.

Joonie said...

I am so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better. Just know that you are not alone and that I am thinking of you.

Lori said...

Hi, I just found your blog today and wanted to say hi. I had a myomectomy for fibroids too. I don't think I've found another blogger who's had a myomectomy. I've also been trying to conceive for almost as long as you and see myself in a lot of your feelings. Sorry about your current trials. I always get disappointed when I test early but hold out hope until my period arrives, what I call the fat lady sings. Still it drives me nuts, I totally get it. Fingers crossed for you.

kate said...

I suck for not getting here and commenting sooner, but you're right. Infertility is like a giant heartbreaking death of a loved one that just never ends. I will chime in with the "it might still be early" camp, but will also chime in and agree with the "feel what you need to feel" camp, too. I'm so sorry that things aren't easier for you. You deserve nothing but the best and you aren't getting it. Life is fucking unfair, and yes, like you, I wish I was someone else so much of the time.

But, not to be creepy-internet-stranger-person, please, when you're sobbing on the floor of the shower, please imagine me sobbing with you. You are not alone in all of this. I may not have had your precise experiences, but I can try to relate. The world has not dealt either of us a fair hand (or shit, pretty much anyone in the IF community, really), so imagine a massive numbered set of people surrounding you, sobbing with you (er, okay. maybe not in a creepy-giant-naked-shower-sobfest kind of way, but in a non-creepy, you're not alone kind of way).

You know, I'm only 5-ish hours from you, and Segway tours do sound awfully fun... I'm broke because I quit my job, but alternately, I have all the time in the world, right? Sometime soon?

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

Yeah, some progesterone and a BIG shot of novicaine for the soul would be a big help in all this IF stuff...

Shinejil said...

It's so fucking hard: can't stop, can't bear it.

Damn it!

I'm with Mrs. X: once you get to the bottom, the only way is up.

Do something really nice for yourself, even if it's something silly.

Peeveme said...

I am so sorry. I know exactly what that feels like. OH honey, I am just so darned sorry this didn't work.

-Amber

Dreamer4agift said...

I am sitting here on my couch reading your last few posts...where have I been? Well, not too far away from where you are...I wish I was someone else sometimes too, and I found myself feeling your words as if they were my own. I am so sorry you're having to go through this. And if for some crazy chance, you figure out how not to care, can you let me in on the secret? In the meantime, know that you're being heard and cared about. Sending hugs your way.

nancy said...

~hugs~. It's just how I felt at 9dp3dt when I got a BFN. And on 10dp3dt, I blogged about how I was moving on and putting it behind me.

(puppydogs and rainbows ahead ... And on 11dp3dt I got a beta of 15 which went on to where I am now.)

But I totally understand where you are right now. ~hugs~ again.

Cibele said...

I am here from L&F. I am sorry. hang in there! HUGS

On My Way to Fertility said...

Thinking of you! Keep the faith; it's early.
xoxox

Good Egg Hunting said...

Here via L&F. I feel your pain -- I have had those moments. Am thinking of you. You are not alone -- we are all hopeful for you.

Jaded Girl said...

"Rock Bottom", great title, my last post was titled It's Not Fair. i can't offer you any words, because after my second loss words sort of fell short. so i will tell you that although our paths are different, our feelings of hopelessness are very real and valid. But eventually you and I will get up and try again. But your post really really spoke to me and i am so sorry you are feeling so blue. I also want to add that i agree with the other posters that 9dpo is a tad early, but i can't blame you for testing.
hugs,
J

Ms. J said...

Honey, talk to us . . . even if it's to cry in words some more. I am worried about you, as I am sure tons of others are. We may not be ablt to help, but we do care immensely.

Malloryn said...

I am so sorry. I'm thinking about you and hope that you're doing ok. It's so unfair. ::hugs::

Darya said...

I found this post on another blogger's blog. I've read it 100 times and finally decided to comment. I can feel your pain. You write so well...so honest. I am so so sorry. I hope you climb up from this low as soon as possible. (((HUGS)))