Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Sometimes You Just Gotta Bitch

Can I whine? Is it all right if I take time out of your busy day to just break down and bitch? Because I am at the end of my rope. And the end really isn’t all that close.

1. I hurt. I hurt all over. My back hurts because I had to spend all performing the Great Flea Eradication. I did things I’m not supposed to do: I vacuumed a lot, and moved furniture, and spent a lot of time bending over at odd angles and picking things up. So my back hurts like hell. And my legs hurt as well, which is probably just as an extension of my back pain.

My ovaries hurt. I think I’ve got another 5-6 days to go before The Harvest, and I’m already so achy I just want to cry. I’m at that point where my ovaries jolt if I take too jarring of a step, or when I sit down, or when I stand up to stretch. And I have a long way to go. And I just remembered that this will only get worse after The Harvest, at least for a week or so. And of course the cramps cause more back pain, and more leg pain. Also my feet hurt. I think they’re swollen or something. I had to take my sneakers off under my desk just to give them freedom.

2. I’m exhausted. I worked (and stressed) my ass off in July with the promise of release in August. Release in the form of sweet sweet sleep, total relaxation, and satisfaction in a job well-done. But I seem to have forgotten how to sleep. I can do it for a few hours, then I wake up and there is just no way to get back to sleep. I know its hormones, but that doesn’t make it any less maddening. By the way, I seem to sleep just fine at my desk here at work. Can barely keep my eyes open.

3. The Bitch Queen is in residence. Not constantly, mind you. Just often enough to take me by complete surprise; she’ll takes over my body when I least expect it, then leave me standing in whatever verbal mess I’ve created, defensive and insecure. Nice, lady, real nice.

4. And as always, in typical I-can’t-believe-I-call-myself-a feminist fashion, I feel like I could live with all of the above if I didn’t look like shit. It seems like every cycle the bloating is worse. I am wearing pants that, a year ago, I had to wear with a belt. And my belly is pushing so hard against the waistband it’s leaving permanent marks on my skin. Let’s face it, I look pregnant. How humiliating. I’m on my last “hide the belly” outfit right now (I only really have 3), and I don’t even know what I’m going to do for tomorrow. Hide under my desk, maybe. That seems like a good solution.

Sigh. If I wasn’t already so overly fat, I’d invest in some serious chocolate for tonight. (Actually, if I had the evening on my own, I’d do it anyway, but I can’t indulge in anything food-related without J feeling like he has to match me bite-for-bite, or eat even more than me, and he’s got much more of a weight problem than I do. So I don’t like to encourage him. Probably better for me that way, anyway.)

Anyone else out there feel my pain? What’s your worst IVF/ART symptom?


kate said...

I feel you on the bitching thing. I have written and deleted a fuckload of bitching posts over the last couple of days, but ultimately, I just couldn't post any of it because it felt wrong to do so when I'm about to leave the situation that causes so much of that bitching to happen. It just felt insincere.

But the impetus has been there, most certainly.

Unfortunately, I don't have much (well, okay, ANYTHING) to offer in the way of IVF/ART symptoms, but I can offer a pretty near understanding of what your ovaries must feel like. For over a decade, I had monthly undiagnosed (because I was "un-believed") ovarian cysts that would rupture. Feeling like there is a swollen, painful rock in your gut that won't allow you to move without excruciating pain- man. That sucks. I wish that we didn't have to go through this, ever, but it especially sucks when it's a side effect of treatments to get you to the be-knocked-up state that everyone else gets to have so easy. Sucky.

annacyclopedia said...

The only thing I've noticed so far is that the hcG shot seems to make me feel like I am about to take a massive poop but then I never do. Gross and uncomfortable but not so bad compared to the stims and all that. Ovaries are our 'nads - maybe if the world thought of men walking around with testicles bloated and stimulated beyond their natural capacity, without any hope of release for weeks on end, they would understand what you're going through a bit better. And your work would not blink an eye when you spend the rest of the week hiding under your desk.

In the meantime, bitch away. I'll be listening. And can't you sneak some chocolate somehow? Like say you just need a walk on your own to get some perspective on things and then spend an hour or so at your nearest gelato/chocolate/dessert shop.

La La said...

Uggghhh, the bloat is terrible. I am so sorry fingers are crossed that it's all worth it in the end!

Io said...

Oh my poor bitchy bitch! I hope everything feels better soon. And that you relearn how to sleep - insomnia is horrifying to me. I love sleep more than anything.

I agree with Anna - sneak away for chocolate.

Katie said...

When I am cycling, I clench my teeth at night. When I wake up, I can barely open my mouth, and this aggrevates the TMJ I already have, giving me soul-crushing headaches that run from the back of my head, through my bloat, down to my little toe. Hey, you asked...:)

Does massage help you? I think a spa day is in order.

Ally said...

Honey, you can bitch and whine as much as you need to. You've earned it! I am sorry you are in a place where the bitching is necessary. That sucks.

I have no IVF symptoms to toss in the bitch basket, but my ovaries are talking-loudly-every night after I give myself my injection. I was in a store this evening and literally had to stop, press down on my left ovary, breathe deeply, and say "OW" out loud. In front of strangers.

I am sure I have got nothing on your bloat and the tenderness, but I hear you and I'm so sorry. Yuck.

Malloryn said...

You can bitch and complain all you want, girl. You have every right to do so and we're hear to listen. It sucks that your ovaries are so sore, and that you're having a difficult time sleeping. Ugh!!! I think anna is on to something... can you sneak some chocolate at work?

Shinejil said...

Ah, dear! I'm with you on the leg pain, the jolts sending streaks of cramping up and down my belly, and I'm just doing the light stuff! But I really, really feel your pain. I wish I knew some way to make it easier... I hope bitching helps a bit(let 'er rip!).

My worst symptom (and sorry if this is TMI): post-O constipation. I'm both starving and, uh, sluggish from that f'ing progesterone. I feel like I could eat an entire pizza, but then it sticks around for what feels like an eternity.

I know, charming!